The Artist’s Way: Recovering a Sense of Power (week 3)

Reflections on anger, serendipity, shame and what it means to grow as an artist

Welcome to Life after Trauma; I’m Clare Egan. We’re in week three of The Artist’s Way, a community exploration of the intersection of creativity and recovery.

In case you’re new here, here’s a quick overview: each week, we read a new chapter of The Artist’s Way and do our best to write our Morning Pages and schedule an Artist’s Date. On Tuesdays, I share my reflections on that week’s theme and on Fridays, we gather to share our experiences in the weekly thread. Next week, we’ll be taking our first rest and integration week. I’m hoping it will allow us all to pause and recalibrate before moving forward. Creative sustainability is our ultimate goal.

Before we get started..

Huge thanks to

Jane Ratcliffe

who interviewed me for her Beyond interview series. She asked such great questions, and I found myself reflecting a lot on grief, kindness and the things I most wish for in life in my answers.

The Artist’s Way Week 3: Recovering a Sense of Power

Chapter 3 is about anger, serendipity, shame and what it means to grow as an artist. It starts with a rather ominous warning that I “may find myself dealing with unaccustomed bursts of energy and sharp peaks of anger, joy and grief” this week! Let’s buckle up and see what happens 🙃

“Anger is meant to be listened to”

Two days after Budino died, my partner and I dragged ourselves out of the house. We wandered around Dublin, hand in hand, both of us on the verge of sobbing. When she asked what I was thinking, I was honest: “I’m thinking about punching that man” The unsuspecting man had done nothing wrong, but I still wanted to punch him. It was a stark reminder of how overwhelming the rage that accompanies sudden grief can be.

Julia Cameron believes that anger is a map. It shows us where we want to go, and what our boundaries are. Anger is a sign of health. Anger “tells us we can’t get away with our old life any longer. It tells us that old life is dying. It tells us we are being reborn, and birthing hurts.” In a lot of ways, this section echoes my recent essay on how rage fueled my recovery from sexual violence. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily make my anger any easier to carry though, but I appreciated how Cameron framed it as a necessary part of the creative process.

“It’s a mistake to prioritise strategy in a world of serendipity”

If this is a mistake, it’s one I’ve made again and again. I’ve made elaborate spreadsheets of agents/publishers/places I could submit my work to. I built myself a professional website. I’ve taken the time to network and try to build relationships in the writing industry. Was it all wasted time? Maybe. It’s true that these tasks feel a lot more doable than finding my way through the weeds of novel revisions, and there are times when I’d rather do pretty much anything other than face the blank page. Maybe I’d be more successful if I spent more time submerged in my work, rather than tinkering around the edges of it? I’m not sure.

Late last year, I made a new rule for myself: no new things! I wanted to take the time to complete the projects I’d half-started, and try to bring them into the world. I love the speeding down hill creation of starting something new. The slow, deliberate work of revision sometimes seems dull in comparison. But if I don’t finish things, people can't read them. Like most things in life, I think balance is important. I think creative work requires a broad skill set and while nothing is as important as the raw, generative work of making something new, taking the time to bring your work into the world matters too.

In this chapter, Cameron encourages recovering artists to be open to things being easier than they might expect. It’s a beautiful idea and perhaps she’d consider me a heathen for questioning it but in my experience, life is a lot more complicated than that. I think the book would benefit from some nuance in the “jump and the net will appear” framing. As usual, I think about the twin poles of temperament and privilege: do I feel safe enough to embrace synchronicity? And do I have a safety net to fall back on if it doesn’t work out?

It’s OK to need to feel safe in order to do your creative work. It’s OK to prioritise the practical things that help keep you safe. We have bills to pay, bodies to care for and full, rounded lives to maintain. Our creativity is important, but it’s not the only thing that matters. If you want to build a sustainable creative practice, prioritising your overall wellbeing is a great place to start!

According to the internet, peonies were sometimes linked to shame in Victorian floriography. Photo by Ellie Ellien on Unsplash

“The act of making art exposes a society to itself”

The section on shame felt especially relevant for our community. I believe that art can be a vehicle through which we can transmute our shame into recovery. Like so many of you, I’ve used art to make sense of my trauma. I’ve struggled with many sections of this book, but on this, I really appreciated Cameron’s perspective.

“Shame is a controlling device..making a piece of art may feel a lot like telling a family secret…. Art opens the closets, airs out the cellars and attic. It brings healing. But before a wound can heal it must be seen, and the act of exposing the wound to air and light, the artist's act, is often reacted to with shaming.”

A brief aside: I’m often asked about how I set my boundaries as a writer. I understand the curiosty. I’ve written about losing my mother, childhood sexual abuse, coming out, and so many other intimate topics, but I also keep a lot to myself. It was a really interesting question to think through, and the answer will be in your inbox next week!

Chapter 3 was also about the intersection between shame and criticism, and how to differentiate useful critique from criticism that “disparages, dismisses, ridicules, or condemns”. She encourages us to comfort our artist child when we feel criticised. I could write a whole essay on dealing with criticism but since this is already quite long, I’ll save that for another day!

“A creative recovery is a healing process”

Chapter 3 concludes with a reminder that creative recovery is messy. Cameron encourages us to expect our growth to happen in spurts, rather than a continuous upward trajectory. “Very often a week of insights will be followed by a week of sluggishness” This feels true to me. Chapter 3 was a really meaty one and as we take our first integration break next week, I’m grateful to have some extra time to metabolise it.

I also loved this nugget of advice:

“Try to acquire the habit of checking in with yourself. Several times a day, just take a beat, and ask yourself how you are feeling. Listen to your answer. Respond kindly. If you are doing something very hard, promise yourself a break and a treat afterward.”

When

Jane Ratcliffe

asked me about the greatest kindness I’ve experienced in my life during our recent interview, I spoke about learning to be kinder to myself. Many survivors have to deepen their skills at taking care of themselves, and it’s often one of the most impactful things we can do.

In the comments, I’d love to hear about the things that feel self-caring to you. What do you do to feel more like yourself? How do you soothe yourself after hard things? If you struggle with it, bear in mind that it will help you be more productive. “As a creative being, you will be more productive when coaxed than when bullied”

Other thoughts & reflections from Chapter Three:

• “We say we are scared by failure, but what frightens us more is the possibility of success”. This is very true for me. Failure is painful, but success is scary.

• In this chapter, Cameron clarifies that by God, she doesn’t necessarily mean the Christian concept. I wonder how accessible it feels to artist’s of other faiths? I grew up Catholic and though I’m not religious anymore, it doesn’t feel too alien to me. But I wonder if that’s true for people from other faith traditions?

• “As artists, we must learn to create our own safe environments” This is what I hope we’re co-creating in this community!

• “I did not tell myself, ‘it doesn’t matter’. But I did tell my artist self ‘you will heal’. I’m going to borrow this line next time I get criticism that stings.

• “Remember that even if you have made a truly rotten piece of art, it may be a necessary stepping stone to your next work. Art matures spasmodically and requires ugly-duckling growth stages”

• “Useless criticism leaves us with a feeling of being bludgeoned” It feels exactly like that!

• “Creativity is the only cure for criticism”

Tasks

I’m feeling a little tired and threadbare this week, so I’m planning to do fewer tasks. Morning Pages and Artist’s Dates are consistently impactful for me, so I’m planning to prioritise those as best I can.

Here are the tasks I’d like to complete:

• Review my habits. List three obvious bad habits and three more subtle ones which come between me and my creative work.

• List five people you admire, and five you secretly admire. What traits do they have that I’d like to cultivate further?

• Make a list of friends who nurture you. Call one of them!

• “Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected quarters” - In the spirit of choosing tasks that challenge us, I’m going to give this one a whirl. I’m skeptical but open-minded. Let’s see what happens!

• Make a sign that says: I will take care of the quantity. You take care of the quality. This was a line from an earlier chapter that I really liked and want to keep in my eyeline.

  

Best of luck with The Artist’s Way this week.

It’s not to late to get involved! Every week, more people sign up to explore The Artist’s Way through this community. Some are planning to jump in during later weeks. Others are re-doing the program to see how it might resonate differently for them now. You are always welcome to join us!

If you’ve struggled this week, please know you’re not alone. The material can be heavy, and it’s OK to take your time with it. Be kind to yourself, and reach out for support when you need or want it! 💕

Let me know if you’d like to come along to our first virtual gathering on March 30 at 1pm, Dublin Time. For safety reasons, I don’t want to post the login details publically but I’d be happy to share them with you.

Thanks so much for taking part in this experience. It’s always an honour to be in community with you.

💕 If this piece resonated with you, please tap the heart below to help spread the word.

💌 I’ll be back in your inbox with the Friday Thread soon. Together, we’ll share our wins, grieve our stumbles and cheer each other on.

🚫 If you’re not interested in The Artist’s Way and would like to unsubscribe from future posts in this series, please adjust your preferences here.