I had a baby! 👶🏻

A few thoughts and pictures from the early days of motherhood

Welcome! I’m Clare Egan. I write personal essays about topics like coming out, faith and writing as a tool for healing trauma. Thanks for reading; I appreciate your time and attention. 💕

A tiny foot with 5 perfect toes

Earlier this summer, our little girl arrived. She is perfect - wriggly and determined and already entirely herself. She arrived safe and well, after a multi-day labour odyssey. It wasn’t easy (nothing about this experience has been easy!) but I am very proud of how we found our way through.

The last few months have been a fog of breastmilk, sleeplessness, panic and a deep, unshakeable love. As I write, she is sleeping soundly and I’m trying to get my brain to function in the linear way it used to. Nothing works the way it used to. My brain and body have been rewired with a singular purpose: keep this child alive. As the weeks pass, I find myself moving towards a new normal, a life which has a new, tiny human at the centre of it.

As expected, I’m nowhere near ready to return to work. I’m not even sure what “my work” means right now. But I have started to steal a few moments each day to write which helps me to feel more like myself.

I’ve been a little surprised by how much I love the work of motherhood. I go about my days chatting with my daughter as I feed, burp and change her. We spend time reading books (baby books are dull and are almost entirely plotless, so we’ve expanded beyond that narrow genre!) and making faces and getting to know each other. Everyday, she changes. Everyday, she becomes a little more herself. There are times when it feels like drudgery. The cluster of tasks required to keep a baby alive can be menial and repetitive, and I can’t begin to describe the exhaustion I feel at having not slept through the night in months. But there’s also the beauty and magic of watching a new consciousness take shape, watching a new person become who they are. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I am feeling the urge to get back to my creative work. My wife has returned to her job and I do sometimes envy her life beyond our newborn bubble. I’m trying to figure out how to incorporate my own creative/intellectual life alongside full-time mothering.

But there will be plenty of time for that later. Right now, I want to go lift my daughter out of her crib and hug her tight. I want to use my body to feed and burp and change her, as we chat about our plan for the day. I want to move through life with her by my side, and see the whole world anew.

Welcome to the world sweet baby girl. I’ve waited so long to meet you ❤️

A few bits of business:

If you’ve reached out to collaborate or to ask for my help, I’m sorry that I haven’t responded. I’m planning to be off work until at least September so please don’t expect a reply before then.

While I’ve been off, lots of folks have asked to join the SurvivorStack directory. If you write about trauma (broadly defined) and would like to be included, please let me know. The criteria for inclusion are outlined in this post and I’d be delighted to spotlight your work.

SurvivorStack: A directory of newsletters about life after trauma

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Let’s catch up! 👇🏻

I’d love to hear your reflections on this post. In particular, I’m wondering how you’ve navigated big life changes, while also trying to stay connected to yourself? It’s a question that most new parents navigate, which means that there are often more cultural conversations around it. But what about other big life events? How might a new diagnosis or the end of a defining relationship or a fresh chapter of any kind shape your self-perception and your day to day life? I’d love to discuss in the comments.