It's such a relief to read your beautiful piece here, Clare, and see many of the same thoughts I've had about my own writing life. l too have poured myself into writing for years - l made major life decisions based on the desire to have time to write. Years ago, l moved my daughters to a new state so l could attend a writing program where I'd won a fellowship. My first novel (that l can never really let go of) found me a wonderful agent, but then everyone was shocked when that novel died on submission to publishing houses. A few successes along the way - as well as some major disappointments. I wonder - why have l spent my life doing this? Yet it seems important and l have spent many wonderful hours immersed in it. l don't think I'll ever stop writing - but l do suffer from it, too, from my lack of "perceived success." I've often heard - focus on the process, the part you can control - not on the outcome or what happens after you put it out into the world. But that is far easier said than done! But maybe, like so many things in life, we just can't see all the results of our efforts - l try to remember that we can't always see what's happening under the surface of our lives, that our efforts do matter in some way. Your writing mattered to me to day, a lot. Thank you!
So much easier said than done! I love writing and find enormous fulfillment from doing it, but I also long for my work to be read. I want to find readers and move them and help them feel less alone, and I'm so grateful that this piece reached you Constance. 🙏
I have also constructed my life to support my writing and often look at it and wonder "why?" The true answer is because it saved me. It has been the single most important thing tool in managing my life and mental health. I love what you say about not being able to see what's happening under the surface. That's very true and I'll be holding that sentiment close during the self-doubting moments. Thanks for being here Constance - this comment really warmed my heart. 💕
"I read somewhere that you shouldn’t write too much about writing. The advice was that readers would be bored by the existential (and practical) challenges that exist between the writer and the page. I don’t agree. I love to read about writing. Writing about writing is often writing about life."
I'm here with you. For some reason I think about all the stuff you aren't "supposed" to write about (especially for women/lgbtq+) and at the end of it there's so much erasing/censure that it can take away some of the most beautiful and terrifying parts of our experiences and selfhood (and perhaps those "supposed to's" serve to do just that, unconsciously and insidiously).
To me it's a dark room someone with authority is afraid to get lost in and so tells someone else not to go in, but for some the dark room is exactly where we want to go, however unnerving it may be. I feel like a lot of good stuff lies in wait in the "not supposed to" areas (of course with the caveat it doesn't directly or intentionally cause some sort of malicious harm to others, which is probably a separate topic) in art or in life. That is the one place where ideas can start to morph and change and let in something new, at least for me.
Also, I love reading about writing and the creative process. It's a tangential supplement to the more traditional therapeutic process for me, but more abstract. I carry me and my experiences and feelings with me wherever I go, into art or into the world with other people, so it's another way of practicing self-compassion and engaging in parts of healing in my eyes.
"For some the dark room is exactly where we want to go" THAT'S ME! I always want to go towards (or maybe write towards) the horrible thing. It makes people cock their heads and wonder about me, but it also feels so much like me, so much like what my work is supposed to be. Thank you for helping me articulate that, Po. I love thinking of myself as a "strange little diver into the deep". What a thrill/honour that would be. Thank you for being here 🙏
Just to add - I've seen so many quotes/ideas lately about getting to know and accept yourself, a loosening of form making way for real substance, and then to see what form follows. Sometimes I think a way to do for myself is to learn all about how other people struggle and do things, and to then find some of the pieces of what is myself and not myself within that learning. Sometimes I feel we creatives are strange little divers into the deep, and the notion of beginning again and again resonated a lot with me, especially in doing visual art.
Thanks for this, Claire. I recognise so many of my own writerly struggles in what you’ve written.
Recently, I’m learning to hold myself more gently, to recognise there are times to fill my cup and times to pour from it. It’s breaking a lifelong habit, so not at all easy, but I celebrate my progress, my gradual escape from the productivity tyrant within me.
I’m glad to have found your publication last week and look forward to reading more of your writing. Thank you!
I loved reading about writing, and I hope you will write about writing in the future 😉 I can relate to your experience of not writing enough. I am so sad that I didn’t start writing like a decade sooner (or notice it earlier because it was already there, suppressed) because when I did, I was already a mom with tinies and I obviously don’t have much time and space to write 😢 I loved reading that you had time during the pandemic to solely focus on your novel! It sounds amazing though I know it’s not a process without struggles
Thank you Mazsi. With little ones around, I'm sure it is hard to find time and space to write but they won't be small forever and even if you only manage a few minutes a day, it might be enough to feel connected to your writer-self. That said, there's a lot to be said for putting writing aside for a while in order to focus more completely on the living. Thank you for being here. I am so glad this piece resonated with you 💕
Clare, thanks for sharing this. I love Dickinson's "out with lanterns, looking for myself" quote. So accurately put. I hope you're doing well this week.
I love that line! Dickinson had such an incredible mind and I find myself reaching for her words all the time! Wishing you a wonderful week too, Thalia 🙏
It's refreshing to read your post, because I realize I'm not the only one who thinks, feels, and lives this way.
For one, I've kept diaries and journals since third grade. I do my morning pages almost every day. I've referenced my old journals to jog my memory for writing essays and filing in gaps for my memoir.
Second, I've thought a lot about this self-berating. I believe it originates in trauma. When I do the therapeutic work on my inner critic, I find that its voice is a composite of several abusive voices from my past. Now that I'm aware of that, I can talk back to it, or ignore it, or choose to let it have its say without impacting my creativity as intensely.
Creative work always reflects our personal lives. And vice versa. What you share here is valuable for those of us who are still navigating how to reframe the way we view our writing, our other work, ourselves.
These are such important points, Jeannie, thank you.
I relate to what you say about the link between self-berating and trauma. Many of the nastiest voices in my head don't belong to me, and I've developed some skills to be able to navigate around them. Some days, they are so loud I can get nothing done. But most days, I can stand firm in myself and know what I want to say.
It's interesting to hear how you use your old journals in your work - have you a process for storing and capturing the stories from within them? Or is it a more intuitive process? I spent some time going through old journals a few years ago and found it a very fulfilling (& sometimes tough) process, so I'm always curious how other writers do it.
Thanks so much for being here, Jeannie. I'm grateful for our conversations in the comment section 🙏
I'm grateful for the interaction here, as well, Clare.
Well, sifting through material from my journals is tricky. I'm aware that some things I wrote weren't meant to be public. Sometimes it's venting, sometimes rambling to get to the heart of what I wanted to say.
So I read through my entries to jog my memory for certain pieces I'm including in my memoir. I don't necessarily write verbatim from my journal, but I take elements, like puzzle pieces, to construct a story I hope will resonate with readers.
Yes! Reviewing my journals made me realise how much of that writing should NEVER be read by anyone but me. It was essential work that got me from there to here, but I'd never subject a reader to it! 🙃
So much of this resonates with me. I had a period in my life where I write daily and long to get back to that. I don't know if I ever will, but I'm also coming to a kinder place inside where I'm trying to do less self scolding and focusing more on gratitude...thankfulness for the abilities I have, the people around me who inspire me with their writing, and where life may lead me next.
This is beautifully put, Stephanie. My daily writing practice ebbs and flows with life, and I've come to accept the different seasons of creative practice that we all go through. Thanks again for sharing - I'm so glad you're here! 🙏
It's such a relief to read your beautiful piece here, Clare, and see many of the same thoughts I've had about my own writing life. l too have poured myself into writing for years - l made major life decisions based on the desire to have time to write. Years ago, l moved my daughters to a new state so l could attend a writing program where I'd won a fellowship. My first novel (that l can never really let go of) found me a wonderful agent, but then everyone was shocked when that novel died on submission to publishing houses. A few successes along the way - as well as some major disappointments. I wonder - why have l spent my life doing this? Yet it seems important and l have spent many wonderful hours immersed in it. l don't think I'll ever stop writing - but l do suffer from it, too, from my lack of "perceived success." I've often heard - focus on the process, the part you can control - not on the outcome or what happens after you put it out into the world. But that is far easier said than done! But maybe, like so many things in life, we just can't see all the results of our efforts - l try to remember that we can't always see what's happening under the surface of our lives, that our efforts do matter in some way. Your writing mattered to me to day, a lot. Thank you!
So much easier said than done! I love writing and find enormous fulfillment from doing it, but I also long for my work to be read. I want to find readers and move them and help them feel less alone, and I'm so grateful that this piece reached you Constance. 🙏
I have also constructed my life to support my writing and often look at it and wonder "why?" The true answer is because it saved me. It has been the single most important thing tool in managing my life and mental health. I love what you say about not being able to see what's happening under the surface. That's very true and I'll be holding that sentiment close during the self-doubting moments. Thanks for being here Constance - this comment really warmed my heart. 💕
"I read somewhere that you shouldn’t write too much about writing. The advice was that readers would be bored by the existential (and practical) challenges that exist between the writer and the page. I don’t agree. I love to read about writing. Writing about writing is often writing about life."
I'm here with you. For some reason I think about all the stuff you aren't "supposed" to write about (especially for women/lgbtq+) and at the end of it there's so much erasing/censure that it can take away some of the most beautiful and terrifying parts of our experiences and selfhood (and perhaps those "supposed to's" serve to do just that, unconsciously and insidiously).
To me it's a dark room someone with authority is afraid to get lost in and so tells someone else not to go in, but for some the dark room is exactly where we want to go, however unnerving it may be. I feel like a lot of good stuff lies in wait in the "not supposed to" areas (of course with the caveat it doesn't directly or intentionally cause some sort of malicious harm to others, which is probably a separate topic) in art or in life. That is the one place where ideas can start to morph and change and let in something new, at least for me.
Also, I love reading about writing and the creative process. It's a tangential supplement to the more traditional therapeutic process for me, but more abstract. I carry me and my experiences and feelings with me wherever I go, into art or into the world with other people, so it's another way of practicing self-compassion and engaging in parts of healing in my eyes.
Thanks for sharing ❤️
"For some the dark room is exactly where we want to go" THAT'S ME! I always want to go towards (or maybe write towards) the horrible thing. It makes people cock their heads and wonder about me, but it also feels so much like me, so much like what my work is supposed to be. Thank you for helping me articulate that, Po. I love thinking of myself as a "strange little diver into the deep". What a thrill/honour that would be. Thank you for being here 🙏
Just to add - I've seen so many quotes/ideas lately about getting to know and accept yourself, a loosening of form making way for real substance, and then to see what form follows. Sometimes I think a way to do for myself is to learn all about how other people struggle and do things, and to then find some of the pieces of what is myself and not myself within that learning. Sometimes I feel we creatives are strange little divers into the deep, and the notion of beginning again and again resonated a lot with me, especially in doing visual art.
Thanks again 🙂 I enjoy your thinking.
Thanks for this, Claire. I recognise so many of my own writerly struggles in what you’ve written.
Recently, I’m learning to hold myself more gently, to recognise there are times to fill my cup and times to pour from it. It’s breaking a lifelong habit, so not at all easy, but I celebrate my progress, my gradual escape from the productivity tyrant within me.
I’m glad to have found your publication last week and look forward to reading more of your writing. Thank you!
oof, gentleness is an ongoing lesson for me too. I am getting better at it, but my inner productivity tyrant has her loud days too! But I do my best.
Thanks for being here, Jackie. I'm grateful to have found your work too 🙏
I loved reading about writing, and I hope you will write about writing in the future 😉 I can relate to your experience of not writing enough. I am so sad that I didn’t start writing like a decade sooner (or notice it earlier because it was already there, suppressed) because when I did, I was already a mom with tinies and I obviously don’t have much time and space to write 😢 I loved reading that you had time during the pandemic to solely focus on your novel! It sounds amazing though I know it’s not a process without struggles
Thank you Mazsi. With little ones around, I'm sure it is hard to find time and space to write but they won't be small forever and even if you only manage a few minutes a day, it might be enough to feel connected to your writer-self. That said, there's a lot to be said for putting writing aside for a while in order to focus more completely on the living. Thank you for being here. I am so glad this piece resonated with you 💕
Clare, thanks for sharing this. I love Dickinson's "out with lanterns, looking for myself" quote. So accurately put. I hope you're doing well this week.
I love that line! Dickinson had such an incredible mind and I find myself reaching for her words all the time! Wishing you a wonderful week too, Thalia 🙏
Clare,
It's refreshing to read your post, because I realize I'm not the only one who thinks, feels, and lives this way.
For one, I've kept diaries and journals since third grade. I do my morning pages almost every day. I've referenced my old journals to jog my memory for writing essays and filing in gaps for my memoir.
Second, I've thought a lot about this self-berating. I believe it originates in trauma. When I do the therapeutic work on my inner critic, I find that its voice is a composite of several abusive voices from my past. Now that I'm aware of that, I can talk back to it, or ignore it, or choose to let it have its say without impacting my creativity as intensely.
Creative work always reflects our personal lives. And vice versa. What you share here is valuable for those of us who are still navigating how to reframe the way we view our writing, our other work, ourselves.
These are such important points, Jeannie, thank you.
I relate to what you say about the link between self-berating and trauma. Many of the nastiest voices in my head don't belong to me, and I've developed some skills to be able to navigate around them. Some days, they are so loud I can get nothing done. But most days, I can stand firm in myself and know what I want to say.
It's interesting to hear how you use your old journals in your work - have you a process for storing and capturing the stories from within them? Or is it a more intuitive process? I spent some time going through old journals a few years ago and found it a very fulfilling (& sometimes tough) process, so I'm always curious how other writers do it.
Thanks so much for being here, Jeannie. I'm grateful for our conversations in the comment section 🙏
I'm grateful for the interaction here, as well, Clare.
Well, sifting through material from my journals is tricky. I'm aware that some things I wrote weren't meant to be public. Sometimes it's venting, sometimes rambling to get to the heart of what I wanted to say.
So I read through my entries to jog my memory for certain pieces I'm including in my memoir. I don't necessarily write verbatim from my journal, but I take elements, like puzzle pieces, to construct a story I hope will resonate with readers.
Yes! Reviewing my journals made me realise how much of that writing should NEVER be read by anyone but me. It was essential work that got me from there to here, but I'd never subject a reader to it! 🙃
So much of this resonates with me. I had a period in my life where I write daily and long to get back to that. I don't know if I ever will, but I'm also coming to a kinder place inside where I'm trying to do less self scolding and focusing more on gratitude...thankfulness for the abilities I have, the people around me who inspire me with their writing, and where life may lead me next.
This is beautifully put, Stephanie. My daily writing practice ebbs and flows with life, and I've come to accept the different seasons of creative practice that we all go through. Thanks again for sharing - I'm so glad you're here! 🙏