Sometimes, the body says no

Convalescing and some things I've loved

Welcome to Beyond Survival, a publication about life after trauma. I’m still seeking questions for my new, ‘Ask Clare’ advice column. AMA on grief, trauma, relationships, mental health, writing, family, recovery or anything else that's plaguing you.

Don’t be fooled by the glossy images, the last while has been tough. My partner and I came home from holidays with a nasty stomach bug. For a few days, most of our household were vomiting. I was the healthiest among us, so I took on most of the caring labour though I also couldn’t stand for more than 10 minutes without feeling faint. 

I went to the supermarket for bleach, ginger nuts and Lucozade, a combination of items that all but guarantee you’ve got someone puking at home. I slept on the sofa bed in the living room, and nursed my highly contagious partner back to health. I wore a mask. We waved instead of hugging, and said goodnight via WhatsApp rather than in person. 

The lowest point came soon after I collected our cats from the cat sitter. Budino, our elder cat who’s been living with cancer for almost 3 years, started vomiting before I even opened our front door.  I cleaned it up, made myself a plate of leftovers and coaxed myself into eating something.  

By the time I woke the following morning, Budino had vomited twice more. I fed the cats, gave Budino his medication and pleaded with him not to puke again. He didn’t. But our other cat, Martino did. 

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. It was a hard week.

It’s only with the benefit of hindsight that I can see how tough it was on me emotionally. 95% of the body’s serotonin is produced in the digestive tract and when my gut was malfunctioning, I missed those happy hormones. I’m grateful to feel a lot better now. I got out for a run yesterday and though my legs were tired, I was able to enjoy it. I’m able to complete the end of this sentence without forgetting the start of it. That’s not a huge task, but it’s humbling to think I wasn’t able to do it last week. 

I’m disappointed not to be sharing the essay I wrote for this week. I wanted to come back after my break feeling strong and capable. But my body had other ideas. 

I’ve missed writing to you every week, and being in conversation with you in the comments.

This newsletter has become an anchor in my week and I’m excited to be back to my regular publishing schedule. While I’m continuing to convalesce, I wanted to share a few things that have brought me joy over the last while. The essay I’ve been working on will hopefully be in your inbox next Tuesday. 

Thank you, as always, for being here. I really appreciate your time and attention. 

Clare x

10 11 things that have brought me joy

📺 Two amazing films that are sure to be among the best things I’ve seen this year: Elliot Page in Close to You and Olivia Coleman in Joyride (an Irish film, that accurately captures a slice of my homeland)

❤️‍🩹 Ada Limón’s The Hurting Kind. Start with this beautiful poem. 

📚 Caitlin Coey’s poetry, especially “the rope and the hole”. Caitlin was a 2022 Pushcart Prize nominee and I love this poem about the impact of trauma on the voice and body.

🤩 The knowledge that you can layer emojis! 

🎲 Minute Cryptic is a daily, cryptic crossword clue that’s mind-twisty in the best way. I don’t always get them right, but they’re fun to play with. (Answers to the above clue are welcome in the comments!)

🫂 A moving conversation about polyamory and betrayal.

✍️ Susie Boyt on how Autumn is an electric season (which I found via

Jessica Stanley

’s great newsletter):

The back of the year's work can be broken between September and December. I always have the bulk of the year's feelings too. It's a heady combination, an invitation to go all-out. And at the end of this supreme and concentrated effort? Christmas shimmering on the horizon as a mammoth reward.

🗳️ The Kamala Harris Oprah special was the perfect thing to watch while feeling vaguely nauseous, though I am finding it hard to be optimistic about the election.  

🍝 Pre-ordered this cookbook (which is now a NYT bestseller) because her lentil bolognese is incredibly good. 

🤡 If you haven’t read Jennifer Egan’s ‘A Visit from the Goon Squad’, I’m a little jealous. It’s a genre-defying work that stretched my brain in the best way. Highly recommend. (This interview is also very good!)

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💕 If you found joy in this little round up, please tap the heart to help spread the word.

💬 In the comments, I’d love to hear about the things that have brought you joy recently.

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