Reasons I’m Glad I Lived

A short list of things that give my life meaning

Before we start, a quick re-introduction: I’m Clare Egan. I’m a queer Irish writer, on a mission to change how we think about life after trauma. I founded Beyond Survival in 2023 because I wanted a space for survivor-centred conversations about recovering after sexual violence. This community is rooted in supporting and empowering survivors to rebuild their lives. If you’d like to support that mission, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. It means a lot!

In the coming weeks, I’ll be writing about falling in love, and what I’ve learned in 2ish years writing on Substack. I’ll also be launching a podcast featuring interviews with survivors & experts on life after trauma. 

Earlier this year,

Kate Summers

wrote about why she's glad she survived a period of mental illness. I loved her list, and wanted to write my own version. Someday, I’ll write about the period of my life when suicide persistently tugged at the edges of my consciousness. I never wanted to die, but I often felt certain that I would. At the time, the trauma I’d been through didn’t feel survivable. 

What follows is a list of moments I’m glad I was around to experience. Some are silly. Some are serious. I could have easily missed out on these things, but I’m very glad I didn’t.

• Arriving at my desk each morning, opening my journal and spilling my heart onto the page. 

• Running in the park just after the grass has been cut, swallowing gulps of vegetal air and feeling so vibrantly alive. 

One of many perfect sunsets I’ve enjoyed.

• At the beach, lying on a sunbed, watching the sun slip under the sea like a golden coin.

• The zesty freshness of my first dip in the sea every summer. 

• Devouring gelato at the perfect little shop, near my in-laws’ place in Rome. I always mess up my Italian and ask for pane (bread) instead of panna (cream) but it still tastes so good. 

Me with a scoop of Orange & Toasted Almond and a scoop of Hazelnut. 🤤

• Driving across Zambia on my last day working there, and watching the scenery roll past the window. I remember how the arm of a teenager selling fish on the side of the road shot up with enthusiasm when he saw us, and how the fish he was selling was still dripping with water as it shimmered in the sunshine. Later, I remember coming around a bend and meeting a herd of elephants languidly meandering across the road. It was incredible!

• Reading books that completely invert everything you thought you knew. Books which expand your understanding of what writing can do. I’m thinking of Easy Beauty, Quit Like a Woman, Fates and Furies, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous and everything by Melissa Febos and Leslie Jamison (to name just a few!) 

• Having my mind changed by a smart, coherent argument. 

• Visiting Jerusalem. Living in India. Using the world's most picturesque compost toilet

• The flurry of excitement when the plane takes off and you’re about to explore somewhere new. Exhausting each day’s possibilities, hopping from place to place learning, eating, exploring and soaking up more of this wide and wonderful world. 

A snapshot from my last big trip to Vietnam in 2023

• Falling in love. 

• Sharing a deeply personal story, which I thought was unique to me until I heard from dozens of women saying: “me too”. 

• Getting the keys to my new home. 

• Holding a friend's baby, and watching the little one’s eyes widen as he tries to understand what is going on with all this curly red hair. He did it just like his Dad did, almost 20 years before, drunk on raspberry Jello shots in a raucous bar in DC. (I dunno why, but drunk people are always fascinated by my hair!)

• Watching Barack Obama become President a few months after I worked in the US Senate for the summer. I’ll never forget the pride I felt sitting in the Houses of Congress, knowing how far I’d come from home. 

• Sitting with friends over amazing Italian food, chatting and laughing in a language I’m still trying to absorb. 

• Kissing my partner for the first time.

• A really good hug. 

• Experiencing the unquestioning love of a pet.

Martino always likes to be close (even when it isn’t comfortable!)

• Hiking uphill with a brisk wind in my face, feeling my body relax into nature’s soothing rhythms.

• Melting into a luxurious massage at an obscenely overpriced spa. (Worth it!)

• Fleabag (“people are all we’ve got”) 

• Enjoying the satisfied tiredness in my muscles after a long run, or an intensive session on my yoga mat. 

• Walking in the Pride parade, hand in hand with my partner, and seeing people smile and clap for us. A small antidote after decades of shame about my sexuality. 

• Watching Tracy Chapman sing a song I’ve always loved. 

• Singing this song in the car with my love, while we’re driving around Italy. (And, a year later, this song.)

• Nourishing my body with home-cooked food. I cook through hard feelings. There’s nothing like the comfort of fresh, delicious food made with love. (I’m thinking in particular of these cheese scones which helped me feel better on a hollowed out day.)

• Fenton (Still makes me laugh!) 

• Rebuilding relationships I thought were gone forever. 

• Getting to thank the people who helped save me. 

• Creating a family of my own. 

• Gingerbread showdown!

• Learning from Ta-Nehisi Coates, Esther Perel, Tressie McMillan Cottom, Brene Brown, Tarana Burke, Prentis Hill and so many others. 

• Watch AOC's rise + feeling hope again.

• This performance from Adele.

• Orgasms. 

• Landing in Amsterdam airport after a tough work trip and marveling at the water pressure. I remember devouring an entire pizza at 6am, and feeling like maybe I’d be OK. 

Thanks to

Kate Summers

for inspiring this post. If you haven’t read her version, you can check it out here. 

💕 If this piece resonated with you, please tap the heart below to help spread the word.

💬 In the comments, I’d love to hear about the little things that give your life meaning. Perhaps it’s a pet? A creative practice? A new hobby? I’m curious about what brings joy to your life. 

Thanks

Mazsi Jávorszky

! I really appreciate you, and all the folks who support my work! Starting next month, monthly subscriptions will be increasing to €8 per month but I’d love to welcome you at the lower rate of €6 per month.