💬 Let’s chat about Week 4 of The Artist’s Way
On recovering a sense of integrity
Welcome to Life after Trauma; I’m Clare Egan. We’re currently taking part in The Artist’s Way, a community exploration of the intersection of creativity and recovery and it’s not too late for you to join us! Our goal is to explore our creativity in a gentle, low commitment way and to show up each week to cheer each other on. Here’s an overview of our approach if you’d like to learn more!
How did you get on this week?
Oof, not great. I don’t like to think about creative work in terms of failure but I set myself a goal of doing my version of media deprivation this week and well, I failed. I was just too busy, too mentally frantic, too frazzled to be able to unplug. The last time I did The Artist’s Way, I organised my life so I was able to disconnect for a while. This time, I am very mindful of being present with this community as we work our way through this challenging process. It really matters to me that you feel supported and I think trying to be both present on the internet while not getting sucked into scrolling was just too much for my reptilian brain.
That’s OK though. I’m giving myself a break. I’ve learned from the experience, and plan to schedule a second media deprivation week in June. I’ll no longer be hosting The Artist’s Way then, and can carve out some space away from my responsibilities.
I did manage to write my Morning Pages most days this week, though I think that’s an indication of how deeply wired the habit is more than anything else. My pages were mostly long spirals of anxiety and overwhelm but I still got them done!
For my Artist’s Date, I’m going to see an Italian film this evening. If I’m honest, I think I’d prefer to watch a rom com in my PJs on the couch! But there’s an Italian film festival in Dublin at the moment, and I want to be a supportive partner. (If it’s boring, I might also have a little snooze! 😴)
Over to you….
Perhaps I’m not the only one who had a difficult week? Media deprivation is never easy, so please be kind to yourself. As always, I’d love to hear about your experience with the Morning Pages and Artist’s Dates too.
💬 Did you enjoy chapter 4? Are there any insights from your experience that you’d like to share? I'll get us started in the comments with some reflections on my tasks from this week.
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This week's media deprivation was mostly a failure, but I did get on pretty well with the tasks I selected to complete.
I got the wardrobe (mostly!) cleared out. There are a few final things of complete, but I'm proud of how it looks. I've added to my already giant 'to do list' with things that need to be mended, steamed etc, but it felt good to see the things I have and feel excited about wearing them again.
I reviewed my life pie from Week 1 and to be honest, I think it's even less balanced than it was when I first made it. The combination of recent illness and life getting busier has made me feel more off balance, but I think (hope🤞🏻) it's temporary.
I enjoyed time travelling to my future and past selves, and searching for the threads that connect my creativity through the decades. This feels like a really rich vein for exploration, and I found myself circling the ideas of both hard work and play. They might seem contradictory but I love the idea of working hard in a playful way. I'm still noodling on that idea, and might write a longer post about it someday!
I'm excited to hear how y'all got on too! 💕
I’m learning each week to be kind to myself and I appreciate that we are all in agreement that this work isn’t about perfection but about finding our own way together. I am getting so much out of this exercise compared to last year when I was working through it all alone.
I enjoyed week 4 and decided to rename deprivation to respite. I discovered just how addicted I am to reading for enjoyment and learning, but also as an “acceptable” distraction. I managed to stay away from all the books I’ve got on the go, but I did scan the news and was happy to have a reason not to dig into the articles themselves. Hardest for me was not quickly researching answers to questions – like where do Canada Geese winter (when I saw a flock overhead), or where is the oldest known tree? I thought about writing down the questions and finding answers later but also discovered but it was in part, a dopamine hit. Shortly after, the questions and answers didn’t really matter. I wanted the knowledge NOW, but once I took a breath or got busy with something else, the desire fizzled quickly.
I didn’t stay off social media completely, but I was careful about when and what I absorbed. Which meant if I wasn’t joyfully engaging with a friend I did my best to stay away. On this I probably think I did better than reality would reflect, but I did reduce.
This respite had me off balance for the first couple of days. I didn’t know what to do with myself – I mean I did, but I had to recalibrate to go do the other thing. I found myself far more exhausted than usual, which was a surprise. I didn’t find myself much more productive, which also surprised me. I ended up doing more small things like artwork, playing games and peopling (which is hard on all days). Change takes energy so maybe that was why I was more tired.
The letters to myself was probably the most useful and surprising task of the week. Both ended up coming out very much in the voice of the age of the writer. My 80-year-old self told me she was “done coddling me” and expressed her frustration with me but also her love and support and provided explicit direction. My 8-year-old self spoke about being scared, and how she was learning about that. Also full of support and wonder.
I didn’t get my closet cleaned out, but I did get a few outfits into the charity bag. It felt fantastic. And I’m ready to do more. It’s been a goal to get more sustainable, locally made clothing and this is putting me in the mood to pursue seriously now.
My life pie is a little more balanced and I credit spring and morning pages for that. Now that I’ve shifted my perception of what my journaling has been – more dumping/venting/processing than chronicling my life, I have been able to embrace this writing without any guilt. My morning pages help me process, my journal now helps me track events, ideas, gratitude, desires. Separating these into two places has liberated me in a fantastic way.
“Working with the morning pages, we begin to sort through the differences between our real feelings, which are often secret, and our official feelings, those on the record for public display.”
“…creative recovery is the commitment to puncture our denial, to stop saying, “It’s ok” when in fact it’s something else.” My hand is raised on this point.
One of my favourite quotes of the chapter is, “Over any considerable period of time, the morning pages perform spiritual chiropractic.”
My artist date was an abstract line drawing that, like my letters to myself, didn’t turn out at all as originally thought. Rather than bright colours, my palette was earth tones and I was pleasantly surprised with the result. I know it was to be an extended day, but I realized at least right now, I really am not ready to give myself that. Something I’m definitely going to work on because 1) I’m worth it, and 2) it’s a good and not unreasonable thing! There are things I would like to say are an artists date, but they are shared things, and I feel Cameron is hinting at making these more solo excursions. And then again, maybe I’m overthinking it.
I’m a natural day dreamer so exploring buried dreams was an enjoyable exercise for the most part and I’m open to letting any parts of those dreams manifest themselves in hopefully fun and unexpected ways. It doesn’t have to be perfect after all.
Some other quotes that stayed with me are:
“As we clarify our perceptions, we lose our misconceptions. As we eliminate ambiguity, we lose illusion as well. We arrive at clarity, and clarity creates change.” At least it can be a catalyst – it creates the opportunity, unfortunately, it’s still up to us to get up and take the opportunity. There’s always a catch.
“As we notice which friends bore us, which situations leave us stifled, we are often rocked by waves of sorrow. We may want our illusions back!” Honestly, this has been the hardest part of “waking up” in my life, well before The Artist’s Way brought it to my attention.
“And we resent this pain no matter what gain it is bringing us.” The number of conversations I have in my head over this is astronomical. It’s like I revert to a tired toddler stage when I’m at this point. I know it’s good for me, but I don’t want it – even though deep down, I know I desperately do.
Cameron’s idea of kriyas being spiritual seizures struck a chord with me. I’ve experienced many and now often know when I’m headed in that direction – although I don’t always put on the breaks in time either. Knowing isn’t a guarantee of immediate change. I’m learning.
“creativity is grounded in reality.”
“You are your own promised land, your own new frontier.” This made me sit up taller and breathe a little more deeply.
Blurring my uniqueness was a section I not only highlighted but read over and over. I’ve never thought of it quite that way and now that I have, I really want to cease and desist. When she named it junk food for the soul it hit differently.
I’m also experiencing what Cameron describes as “no longer stuck, but you cannot tell where you are going.” And right now I’m okay with that, at least I’m not stuck. One step at a time.
I hope everyone else is also enjoying the process and getting good things from the work being put in. I will definitely be reading the comments. Happy Friday, enjoy the weekend.