I ticked off most of the tasks I outlined in my post on Tuesday.
Saving the basic principles of The Artistās Way as my desktop background was a great idea. They were there to greet me every time I opened my laptop. I probably wonāt see them over the weekend, but I think thatās OK.
I made my Monster Hall of Fame which ended up being quite emotional. I remembered so many mean, critical people especially from childhood! š But it was a useful exercise and Iām glad I did it.
I didnāt make the time to dip into my āNice Things People Have Said About My Writing Fileā. It doesnāt feel like a coincidence that I made time for the difficult task, but didnāt prioritise the nice one so I guess Iāll need to journal my way through that one.
Thanks Mazsi. I think you're right. It's painful in the moment, but ultimately it makes more space for other, more positive things to breathe. I'm very glad I did it, and feel very lucky to have had your support and cheerleading too š
Iāve been writing morning pages since Wednesday and have already experienced how they can spark ideas for my writing so Iām excited to continue.
Iāve done some of the tasks and would like to do more of them. I did list out a few enemies of creative self-worth, but theyāre mostly internal - general ideas/feelings rather than specific people and events. Maybe something will come to me later, but I cannot recall any specific words said or events against creativity. I donāt have many recollections from childhood and beyond, and I feel like I have been my worst enemy (although I can psychologize why that is from my overall childhood experiences). Does anyone else feel similar?
I havenāt made a purposeful artist date yet - maybe I can before the weekend is over. I may take the time to finish a small art project I started over the holidays.
Congrats on the morning pages Tracey. I'm so glad you've found them useful. And maybe you'll find some time to finish that art project during the week, if you didn't get to it over the weekend.
I wouldn't suggest that you push yourself too much to try to remember exact words or events that impacted your creativity from childhood. I think getting the general feeling is enough. In my experience, memories bubble up when they're ready and there's not much to be gained from trying to dig them out. (Or at least, this is my experience. Your's might be different!)
I certainly relate to your thoughts around being my own worst enemy, and I think a lot of other people will to. I'm (still!) trying to find some compassion for myself through that. I think some of the behaviours/habits/choices that seem like I was self-sabotaging was actually my body/brain/self trying to protect myself from doing things before I was really ready to. These themes recur a few times through The Artist's Way, so it'll be interesting to see how our thinking evolves as we continue through the process.
Thanks so much for being here Tracey - it's lovely to be in community with you š
Hi Tracey. Glad the morning pages are working well for you. For me, the nemesis of my writing was my first newspaper editor employer who eventually within a year fired me (I had admittedly made rookie mistakes) and told me, passing my final paycheck across the desk, that I had better consider a job as a proofreader as perhaps writing wasn't for me. That was quite the blow. Just a month later, I had a job at a semi-weekly newspaper in Providence RI where I won prizes for my reporting and eventually won prizes to at the daily newspaper The New Haven Register in CT. I kept writing and I kept getting better at it. Sometimes we need the enemy of our creative self-worth to shake us into a stance of, "I'll show you!"
I managed only 6/7 because I was traveling and staying at someoneās house and one of the mornings simply couldnāt take time off to do the pages, also havenāt managed the date, hoping to do it tomorrow and still make it count
Hi! Pages every day but Iām starting late today. They are incredibly helpful and I think will be something I keep doing long after even if it might not be everyday.
Artistās date didnāt work out as planned so it will be likely next week. Today Iāll be doing my date by going for a walk in nature to appreciate nature as an artist instead.
The first chapter had lots of things that resonated but one that stuck is judging your early artistic efforts is an abuse.
The blurts and affirmations came much easier this time around. As I use the affirmations I created they help me find the little things each day that show their truth. That helps me stay clear of the big imposter feelings that come from saying something like I am a successful and prolific writer.
Iām really glad I decided to participate in this and am reminding to be very kind to myself and adjust as needed.
Normally having to change up the artistās date Iād planned would have felt like defeat. This time it felt like empowered resilience.
I hope everyone is enjoying the process and remembering to be kind to themselves too
Off to do my morning pages now. Happy Friday everyone. Canāt wait to read what others have found this week too
Hi Jewel, Great to hear that you're finding the Morning Pages useful. It's kind of crazy how helpful they are, right? And how was your artist date? I *love* walks in nature, and find them deeply restorative.
I love how your describe rescheduling your artist's date as "empowered resilience". It's such a beautiful framing for something that could have felt kind of shitty. I'm using this exploration of The Artist's Way to try to build some good habits and rituals that I hope will be with me long after I've finished with the book. If that means I need to go a little slower and more flexibly in order to make it sustainable in the long term, that's absolutely fine with me. š
I really like the idea of taking the time we need to really reap the benefits.
My walk was wonderful. Nature didnāt disappoint. Patterns in the snow, frosty edges on puddles, treasures peeking out from melting snow patches and so many animal tracks. Not to mention the clouds floating by in the bright blue sky
The tasks went well too. As an example, The monsters stung but getting it out was cathartic and writing about my heroās was a balm to the stinging.
"A balm to the stinging" - what a beautiful way to put it. I'm so glad the walk was enjoyable too. We had our first really nice day here in Dublin today, and I spent a lot of it in nature. It felt incredibly precious to be able to just soak up a little Spring magic after such a long, hard Winter.
I laughed out loud when I read about your seedlings! It looked like an utterly useless but fun thing to do but that's like just the perfect artist date! I root for them to see the light, though!
So glad this made you laugh! The seedlings died and disintegrated into nothing. If I hadn't taken a photo, I wouldn't have believed there'd ever been anything there. Ah well. I'll try again š š
Hi Clare, so I started a week late and am doing a Week 1-2 combo this week, since I've done the Artist's Way a few times. What I noticed was that this morning's morning pages were more stream of consciousness than I had been typically doing, which was quite cathartic to get at the root of some difficult feelings and out the other side to something I could hang onto--something more hopeful than the woe-is-me first two pages. As I read Week 1, what spoke to me was the shadow artist, how they often choose a career path very close to but not their heart's desire--for me, that was becoming a newspaper reporter (I had a dual major of journalism-English, showing the split and the shadow already then) when I really wanted to be a fiction writer. I rationalized my way into the safer pursuit of a newspaper reporter's job rather than the scarier path of finding any job, perhaps waitressing, so I could spend my creative energies working on my writing, a novel or stories. I hold a regret to this day of the "path not chosen," given that my writing of fiction, and desire to publish a novel, has not waned since I was 22 and yet I've not achieved that goal. I am a far better writer today than I've ever been and yet the publishing of a novel remains elusive despite years of trying. And so that leaves plenty of room for the Inner Censor to come in and say, "So you thought you were talented enough...hmmm...think again. Why don't you give up this dream already?" But I am 64--and I can't. So here I am, letting Jane Cameron and all of you guide me back to more confidence about still reaching my dream.
Welcome aboard Amy. I'm happy to hear that the first two weeks have been useful for you!
I relate to what you said about Morning Pages - often my first few pages are panic/anxiety/worry, and then I start to stretch into something a little more holistic. It's like I need to excise the negative emotions, before the positive ones can find some room to breathe.
Thanks for sharing a little of your experience with shadow careers too. I wrote a novel during covid but I haven't prioritised revising it. I want to get it ready to share with the world, but I've also had a lot of blocks around it. The biggest one is simply time but I suspect there are deeper reasons too.. I'm hoping to unravel those questions a little more through this process.
Would you like to share a little more about your fiction writing? Are you working on particular projects? Or trying to find the courage to submit work? Or searching for the threads of a new story you'd like to create? Whatever it is, we are here to support you š
Hi again Clare. Thank you for your interest in my writing. I am currently working on my fourth novel. Since 2010 I have completed three novels, one middle-grade, one YA and the third is a contemporary adult novel, that Iād put in the category of literary fiction.womenās fiction or upmarket (when the publishing world/agent form asks us to slot it, as they do). I am trying to sell this third novel by pitching it to agents, but 67 agents on, with two requests to read the full mss and turn-downs, itās not yielding an offer of representation. I had an agent for my middle grade novel who was not able to sell it, alas, back in 2011. My fourth novel is also literary/womenās fiction. I may now turn to directly trying to publish my third novel with small presses who do not deal with agents. The book would not get the same distribution, marketing or other perks of traditional publishing (which are decreasing in any case, especially with debut novelists unless they think you have a sure-fire bestseller). But it would be out there and I donāt mind the idea that Iād have to market it. I have built a good-sized audience on my Substack and my background is in copywriting/marketing/journalism. I like to network. So weāll seeā¦I worked very hard on novel #3, 10 drafts, workshopped in my writersā group over three years, and I hired a developmental editor for it, too. I believe in it. So I have to persevere, want to persevere. But also keep my joy in the writing alive by spending creative time on my new novel which I am excited about. You can read more about my fiction writing at my author website here: https://www.amybrownauthor.com/
Hello Clare, thanks for the responses. Good for you for writing a novel, first of allājust that is impressive overcoming of the Inner Censor. And yes, Iāve also had periods of letting a novel draft languish and needing to explore just what is behind that hesitationāyes, sometimes, quite practically time but also some fear for sureāfear of failure, fear of not having the work considered āgood enoughā by the gatekeepers of the publishing industry, which in most cases is getting ahead of myself, because the joy ultimately has to be in the act of creating my story and continuing to revisit and polish it until I am satisfied enough. I will write more about my fiction writing in a bit. Thank you for asking. Meanwhile, I hope this process helps you return to your novel.
Hi, I'm loving reading about everyone's experiences and you all accommodate your busy lives and your tender hearts!
I'm catching up - I skimmed week 1 because I did it so very diligently the last time, and I remembered a lot of it. I didn't do the morning pages, but I'm currently in a memoir class that asks for "one shitty first draft" per week, so for this week, I've decided that was good enough.
I will say, though, that I've been pleasantly surprised by how much my blurts and my relation to the affirmations have changed. First of all, I feel more confident adapting affirmations to a style that works for me - god? Meh. Humour, the land and having great tits is much more my cup of tea, you know? To each their own. And it's not as strange to manifest good things for myself. Yay healing! And I don't even go to therapy!
Sometimes I'm frustrated because I don't work on my writing as much as I would like to (to be fair, I kind of want to do EVERYTHING and I have a day job), but looking back I see that the work I have done has given me confidence: I have no problem believe I AM a writer, because... I have written. And that some people might enjoy it, because I have been published. (twice, but still). It's nice to realize I have mostly gotten out of a cycle of destructive beliefs and that just doing work got me to a place where I am more hopeful and proud of myself.
You'd think I'm enlightened and have reached perfect peace, and that's really not the case. But I notice the change.
For my artist dates, I want to explore the town I moved in six months ago - I have been FERAL and didn't even visit the library and the bookstore yet. I need to get on that.
"It's nice to realize I have mostly gotten out of a cycle of destructive beliefs and that just doing work got me to a place where I am more hopeful and proud of myself." Picture me standing on my chair in the crowd cheering you on! This is such an incredible endorsement of just writing something, even if it's not everything you wish you could do.
The vast majority of us will always have other work (plus caregiving, commuting, managing out mental health, life admin, relationships etc etc etc), but I like to think that great art can be produced around all those obligations. It may take a while, but I think it's possible..
I'd love to hear about your memoir class too. Are you finding it useful? One shitty draft per week is a lot, so I hope there's some flexibility around those deadlines. Or maybe the structure is nice..?
I hope the Artist Dates went well. I popped into a library last week and came out with two, almost-new novels. (They were in the giveaway pile. I didn't steal them!) If that's not an endorsement for libraries, I dunno what is! š
Hi, Clare, Adina & Jewel. I do appreciate everyone's sharing so far.
I worry how blind I am going into this - and perhaps a direct line to trust.
There's this distant sense of kin that other are doing this, and I'm going to build on Clare's seeds for that sense of harvest, and maybe I'll keep resending the note to myself that harvests are not solo affairs. (but but but ...)
There's been much...
When the sceptic met the monsters.
I found this part very difficult this week.
There's been two towering, and maybe I hadn't realised how big they were, and maybe still are.
But there's that glib mouthful, The Monster Hall of Fame. (and not my style)
Maybe I've gone Elvis, I'm trying to keep the Monsters in a Vegas-lit strip -
maybe an effort to retire them, maybe an effort to see just how ugly they were and still are, maybe an effort to see that it me who has retired them.
I would gladly carry on with my mourning pages, than meet the monsters - I might have to circle back to the monster dept. and yet I don't want to get caught in the weeds. It hasn't been lost on me that I chafed with the affirmations and the blurts. And the time travel went to the Monsters.
I played with iffirmations instead of the affirmations - and that has yielded a better result for me. But didn't do these at the end of the morning pages. Why? I didn't think of them until today. And so I might try to incorporate them from tomorrow on and see what happens.
I've made a mental note the write of the champions this evening, I've had a lot of work commitments this week and felt that shattered side of tired, and the clock hissing and all that business, and that I knew I would have a pocket of time later tonight.
One of the larger take aways for me this week has been a painful kind of splinter. Splinter seems a light turn of phrase for the pain it causes. Creativity was frowned upon in my family, and unfortunately or fortunately, I couldn't help myself. I can't remember a time when I couldn't not make things. And I suffered because of that. That I used to hide in a closet, or under a bed, to make things, that pains me still. And though I no longer write in a closet or make things under a bed, I'm understanding a little better now the comfort the grey zone affords, and being a shadow.
And the upshot to there wasn't space for me -
I made the space. I found the closet or whatever secret space there was.
And that I was able to love beyond the pain that my younger self did that.
That's been bit of a gift this week.
I hope it's okay to say that I bristle with all the men in the book.
I imagine it's where I'm at at the minute.
I've tried not to gloss over - but, the mere mention of men and I find I'm glossing -
I know, I know. I know.
Apologies for the stream-of-thoughts, without any shape or order.
And thanks again to everyone here, I felt a sense of buoyancy yesterday & today, like the fire at the feet, I really am glad I'm not going it alone.
I've pinned the whole dating thing that I'll have a lash at it this coming week.
Hi Michelle, thanks for sharing a little of your experience this week! A stream of consciousness comment is always welcome here š
I love how you reframed your affirmations as iffirmations - I've never heard of that before, and can imagine that it would feel like a much looser and more liberated way to play with those ideas. I'm going to put that on my list of things to try, so thank you for the inspiration.
I had a lot of stuff come up about family of origin and attitudes to creativity too. I remember reading somewhere that for many people, their first bully was a parent and I think about that a lot.
Congratulations for finding your way despite your heavy workload and tiredness. I hope you're proud of yourself š
I ticked off most of the tasks I outlined in my post on Tuesday.
Saving the basic principles of The Artistās Way as my desktop background was a great idea. They were there to greet me every time I opened my laptop. I probably wonāt see them over the weekend, but I think thatās OK.
I made my Monster Hall of Fame which ended up being quite emotional. I remembered so many mean, critical people especially from childhood! š But it was a useful exercise and Iām glad I did it.
I didnāt make the time to dip into my āNice Things People Have Said About My Writing Fileā. It doesnāt feel like a coincidence that I made time for the difficult task, but didnāt prioritise the nice one so I guess Iāll need to journal my way through that one.
I'm just sending you a big hug!š©· The Monster Hall of Fame task is really hard work but it is so worth it! I'm glad you did it, now you can release those mean dialogues from your head and move on. Not immediately but now you have an amazing tool to spot them. When I did this task two years ago, I had very important revelations that made me able to write without shame later on. Not immediately but this task served the foundation to do that.
Thanks Mazsi. I think you're right. It's painful in the moment, but ultimately it makes more space for other, more positive things to breathe. I'm very glad I did it, and feel very lucky to have had your support and cheerleading too š
Alwaysš©·
Iāve been writing morning pages since Wednesday and have already experienced how they can spark ideas for my writing so Iām excited to continue.
Iāve done some of the tasks and would like to do more of them. I did list out a few enemies of creative self-worth, but theyāre mostly internal - general ideas/feelings rather than specific people and events. Maybe something will come to me later, but I cannot recall any specific words said or events against creativity. I donāt have many recollections from childhood and beyond, and I feel like I have been my worst enemy (although I can psychologize why that is from my overall childhood experiences). Does anyone else feel similar?
I havenāt made a purposeful artist date yet - maybe I can before the weekend is over. I may take the time to finish a small art project I started over the holidays.
Congrats on the morning pages Tracey. I'm so glad you've found them useful. And maybe you'll find some time to finish that art project during the week, if you didn't get to it over the weekend.
I wouldn't suggest that you push yourself too much to try to remember exact words or events that impacted your creativity from childhood. I think getting the general feeling is enough. In my experience, memories bubble up when they're ready and there's not much to be gained from trying to dig them out. (Or at least, this is my experience. Your's might be different!)
I certainly relate to your thoughts around being my own worst enemy, and I think a lot of other people will to. I'm (still!) trying to find some compassion for myself through that. I think some of the behaviours/habits/choices that seem like I was self-sabotaging was actually my body/brain/self trying to protect myself from doing things before I was really ready to. These themes recur a few times through The Artist's Way, so it'll be interesting to see how our thinking evolves as we continue through the process.
Thanks so much for being here Tracey - it's lovely to be in community with you š
Hi Tracey. Glad the morning pages are working well for you. For me, the nemesis of my writing was my first newspaper editor employer who eventually within a year fired me (I had admittedly made rookie mistakes) and told me, passing my final paycheck across the desk, that I had better consider a job as a proofreader as perhaps writing wasn't for me. That was quite the blow. Just a month later, I had a job at a semi-weekly newspaper in Providence RI where I won prizes for my reporting and eventually won prizes to at the daily newspaper The New Haven Register in CT. I kept writing and I kept getting better at it. Sometimes we need the enemy of our creative self-worth to shake us into a stance of, "I'll show you!"
And you certainly showed him, Amy. What a great story š
That would have been a memorable blow for sure! I am so glad you continued on. You showed them all right, and you continue to wow with your writing!
Thank you Traceyš
I managed only 6/7 because I was traveling and staying at someoneās house and one of the mornings simply couldnāt take time off to do the pages, also havenāt managed the date, hoping to do it tomorrow and still make it count
Amazing Liza. You've done a lot this week. I hope you enjoy your artist's date today and even if gets pushed to tomorrow, I still think it counts!
Thanks for sharing a little of your experience this week. It's great to hear how you're getting on! š
Hi! Pages every day but Iām starting late today. They are incredibly helpful and I think will be something I keep doing long after even if it might not be everyday.
Artistās date didnāt work out as planned so it will be likely next week. Today Iāll be doing my date by going for a walk in nature to appreciate nature as an artist instead.
The first chapter had lots of things that resonated but one that stuck is judging your early artistic efforts is an abuse.
The blurts and affirmations came much easier this time around. As I use the affirmations I created they help me find the little things each day that show their truth. That helps me stay clear of the big imposter feelings that come from saying something like I am a successful and prolific writer.
Iām really glad I decided to participate in this and am reminding to be very kind to myself and adjust as needed.
Normally having to change up the artistās date Iād planned would have felt like defeat. This time it felt like empowered resilience.
I hope everyone is enjoying the process and remembering to be kind to themselves too
Off to do my morning pages now. Happy Friday everyone. Canāt wait to read what others have found this week too
Hi Jewel, Great to hear that you're finding the Morning Pages useful. It's kind of crazy how helpful they are, right? And how was your artist date? I *love* walks in nature, and find them deeply restorative.
I love how your describe rescheduling your artist's date as "empowered resilience". It's such a beautiful framing for something that could have felt kind of shitty. I'm using this exploration of The Artist's Way to try to build some good habits and rituals that I hope will be with me long after I've finished with the book. If that means I need to go a little slower and more flexibly in order to make it sustainable in the long term, that's absolutely fine with me. š
I really like the idea of taking the time we need to really reap the benefits.
My walk was wonderful. Nature didnāt disappoint. Patterns in the snow, frosty edges on puddles, treasures peeking out from melting snow patches and so many animal tracks. Not to mention the clouds floating by in the bright blue sky
The tasks went well too. As an example, The monsters stung but getting it out was cathartic and writing about my heroās was a balm to the stinging.
"A balm to the stinging" - what a beautiful way to put it. I'm so glad the walk was enjoyable too. We had our first really nice day here in Dublin today, and I spent a lot of it in nature. It felt incredibly precious to be able to just soak up a little Spring magic after such a long, hard Winter.
I laughed out loud when I read about your seedlings! It looked like an utterly useless but fun thing to do but that's like just the perfect artist date! I root for them to see the light, though!
So glad this made you laugh! The seedlings died and disintegrated into nothing. If I hadn't taken a photo, I wouldn't have believed there'd ever been anything there. Ah well. I'll try again š š
Oh! Iām sorry that they died though
Me too! I'm in the rage-phase ("those little fuckers") but I hope to try again soon š š
Hi Clare, so I started a week late and am doing a Week 1-2 combo this week, since I've done the Artist's Way a few times. What I noticed was that this morning's morning pages were more stream of consciousness than I had been typically doing, which was quite cathartic to get at the root of some difficult feelings and out the other side to something I could hang onto--something more hopeful than the woe-is-me first two pages. As I read Week 1, what spoke to me was the shadow artist, how they often choose a career path very close to but not their heart's desire--for me, that was becoming a newspaper reporter (I had a dual major of journalism-English, showing the split and the shadow already then) when I really wanted to be a fiction writer. I rationalized my way into the safer pursuit of a newspaper reporter's job rather than the scarier path of finding any job, perhaps waitressing, so I could spend my creative energies working on my writing, a novel or stories. I hold a regret to this day of the "path not chosen," given that my writing of fiction, and desire to publish a novel, has not waned since I was 22 and yet I've not achieved that goal. I am a far better writer today than I've ever been and yet the publishing of a novel remains elusive despite years of trying. And so that leaves plenty of room for the Inner Censor to come in and say, "So you thought you were talented enough...hmmm...think again. Why don't you give up this dream already?" But I am 64--and I can't. So here I am, letting Jane Cameron and all of you guide me back to more confidence about still reaching my dream.
Welcome aboard Amy. I'm happy to hear that the first two weeks have been useful for you!
I relate to what you said about Morning Pages - often my first few pages are panic/anxiety/worry, and then I start to stretch into something a little more holistic. It's like I need to excise the negative emotions, before the positive ones can find some room to breathe.
Thanks for sharing a little of your experience with shadow careers too. I wrote a novel during covid but I haven't prioritised revising it. I want to get it ready to share with the world, but I've also had a lot of blocks around it. The biggest one is simply time but I suspect there are deeper reasons too.. I'm hoping to unravel those questions a little more through this process.
Would you like to share a little more about your fiction writing? Are you working on particular projects? Or trying to find the courage to submit work? Or searching for the threads of a new story you'd like to create? Whatever it is, we are here to support you š
Hi again Clare. Thank you for your interest in my writing. I am currently working on my fourth novel. Since 2010 I have completed three novels, one middle-grade, one YA and the third is a contemporary adult novel, that Iād put in the category of literary fiction.womenās fiction or upmarket (when the publishing world/agent form asks us to slot it, as they do). I am trying to sell this third novel by pitching it to agents, but 67 agents on, with two requests to read the full mss and turn-downs, itās not yielding an offer of representation. I had an agent for my middle grade novel who was not able to sell it, alas, back in 2011. My fourth novel is also literary/womenās fiction. I may now turn to directly trying to publish my third novel with small presses who do not deal with agents. The book would not get the same distribution, marketing or other perks of traditional publishing (which are decreasing in any case, especially with debut novelists unless they think you have a sure-fire bestseller). But it would be out there and I donāt mind the idea that Iād have to market it. I have built a good-sized audience on my Substack and my background is in copywriting/marketing/journalism. I like to network. So weāll seeā¦I worked very hard on novel #3, 10 drafts, workshopped in my writersā group over three years, and I hired a developmental editor for it, too. I believe in it. So I have to persevere, want to persevere. But also keep my joy in the writing alive by spending creative time on my new novel which I am excited about. You can read more about my fiction writing at my author website here: https://www.amybrownauthor.com/
Hello Clare, thanks for the responses. Good for you for writing a novel, first of allājust that is impressive overcoming of the Inner Censor. And yes, Iāve also had periods of letting a novel draft languish and needing to explore just what is behind that hesitationāyes, sometimes, quite practically time but also some fear for sureāfear of failure, fear of not having the work considered āgood enoughā by the gatekeepers of the publishing industry, which in most cases is getting ahead of myself, because the joy ultimately has to be in the act of creating my story and continuing to revisit and polish it until I am satisfied enough. I will write more about my fiction writing in a bit. Thank you for asking. Meanwhile, I hope this process helps you return to your novel.
That's my hope too, Amy š¤š» I'll keep you posted! š
At 62 I feel this deeply and I am cheering you on loudly.
Hi, I'm loving reading about everyone's experiences and you all accommodate your busy lives and your tender hearts!
I'm catching up - I skimmed week 1 because I did it so very diligently the last time, and I remembered a lot of it. I didn't do the morning pages, but I'm currently in a memoir class that asks for "one shitty first draft" per week, so for this week, I've decided that was good enough.
I will say, though, that I've been pleasantly surprised by how much my blurts and my relation to the affirmations have changed. First of all, I feel more confident adapting affirmations to a style that works for me - god? Meh. Humour, the land and having great tits is much more my cup of tea, you know? To each their own. And it's not as strange to manifest good things for myself. Yay healing! And I don't even go to therapy!
Sometimes I'm frustrated because I don't work on my writing as much as I would like to (to be fair, I kind of want to do EVERYTHING and I have a day job), but looking back I see that the work I have done has given me confidence: I have no problem believe I AM a writer, because... I have written. And that some people might enjoy it, because I have been published. (twice, but still). It's nice to realize I have mostly gotten out of a cycle of destructive beliefs and that just doing work got me to a place where I am more hopeful and proud of myself.
You'd think I'm enlightened and have reached perfect peace, and that's really not the case. But I notice the change.
For my artist dates, I want to explore the town I moved in six months ago - I have been FERAL and didn't even visit the library and the bookstore yet. I need to get on that.
"It's nice to realize I have mostly gotten out of a cycle of destructive beliefs and that just doing work got me to a place where I am more hopeful and proud of myself." Picture me standing on my chair in the crowd cheering you on! This is such an incredible endorsement of just writing something, even if it's not everything you wish you could do.
The vast majority of us will always have other work (plus caregiving, commuting, managing out mental health, life admin, relationships etc etc etc), but I like to think that great art can be produced around all those obligations. It may take a while, but I think it's possible..
I'd love to hear about your memoir class too. Are you finding it useful? One shitty draft per week is a lot, so I hope there's some flexibility around those deadlines. Or maybe the structure is nice..?
I hope the Artist Dates went well. I popped into a library last week and came out with two, almost-new novels. (They were in the giveaway pile. I didn't steal them!) If that's not an endorsement for libraries, I dunno what is! š
Hi, Clare, Adina & Jewel. I do appreciate everyone's sharing so far.
I worry how blind I am going into this - and perhaps a direct line to trust.
There's this distant sense of kin that other are doing this, and I'm going to build on Clare's seeds for that sense of harvest, and maybe I'll keep resending the note to myself that harvests are not solo affairs. (but but but ...)
There's been much...
When the sceptic met the monsters.
I found this part very difficult this week.
There's been two towering, and maybe I hadn't realised how big they were, and maybe still are.
But there's that glib mouthful, The Monster Hall of Fame. (and not my style)
Maybe I've gone Elvis, I'm trying to keep the Monsters in a Vegas-lit strip -
maybe an effort to retire them, maybe an effort to see just how ugly they were and still are, maybe an effort to see that it me who has retired them.
I would gladly carry on with my mourning pages, than meet the monsters - I might have to circle back to the monster dept. and yet I don't want to get caught in the weeds. It hasn't been lost on me that I chafed with the affirmations and the blurts. And the time travel went to the Monsters.
I played with iffirmations instead of the affirmations - and that has yielded a better result for me. But didn't do these at the end of the morning pages. Why? I didn't think of them until today. And so I might try to incorporate them from tomorrow on and see what happens.
I've made a mental note the write of the champions this evening, I've had a lot of work commitments this week and felt that shattered side of tired, and the clock hissing and all that business, and that I knew I would have a pocket of time later tonight.
One of the larger take aways for me this week has been a painful kind of splinter. Splinter seems a light turn of phrase for the pain it causes. Creativity was frowned upon in my family, and unfortunately or fortunately, I couldn't help myself. I can't remember a time when I couldn't not make things. And I suffered because of that. That I used to hide in a closet, or under a bed, to make things, that pains me still. And though I no longer write in a closet or make things under a bed, I'm understanding a little better now the comfort the grey zone affords, and being a shadow.
And the upshot to there wasn't space for me -
I made the space. I found the closet or whatever secret space there was.
And that I was able to love beyond the pain that my younger self did that.
That's been bit of a gift this week.
I hope it's okay to say that I bristle with all the men in the book.
I imagine it's where I'm at at the minute.
I've tried not to gloss over - but, the mere mention of men and I find I'm glossing -
I know, I know. I know.
Apologies for the stream-of-thoughts, without any shape or order.
And thanks again to everyone here, I felt a sense of buoyancy yesterday & today, like the fire at the feet, I really am glad I'm not going it alone.
I've pinned the whole dating thing that I'll have a lash at it this coming week.
And try not to be adolescent about it.
Goodnesses to all,
Michelle
Hi Michelle, thanks for sharing a little of your experience this week! A stream of consciousness comment is always welcome here š
I love how you reframed your affirmations as iffirmations - I've never heard of that before, and can imagine that it would feel like a much looser and more liberated way to play with those ideas. I'm going to put that on my list of things to try, so thank you for the inspiration.
I had a lot of stuff come up about family of origin and attitudes to creativity too. I remember reading somewhere that for many people, their first bully was a parent and I think about that a lot.
Congratulations for finding your way despite your heavy workload and tiredness. I hope you're proud of yourself š
Keeping my fingers crossed for your plants!
Thanks Adina. I'm not very confident to be honest, but maybe I'll get lucky :)