I had an incredibly difficult time rebuilding my relationship with exercise. I’ve practiced yoga since my late teens. In my twenties, I was one of those annoying people who actually enjoyed going to the gym, but I lost both of those habits in the tailspin of trauma. Exercise left me feeling incredibly anxious and dysregulated. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have to stop exercising because I was sobbing uncontrollably. Or to be so wired and strung out on adrenaline that I couldn’t sleep for days.
I wish I could point to some easy solution that turned it all around for me, but that’s not how it was. I had to very slowly rebuild my relationship with movement and my body. It took years and to be honest, it’s still a work in progress. One of the hardest things was feeling like I was completely over-reacting. All public health messaging talks about the value and importance of exercise. But I couldn’t find a single resource that acknowledged that exercise isn’t an option for everyone. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to have this conversation: to bring some much needed information to an under-discussed aspect of recovery.
I understand that discussions around exercise and mental health can sometimes feel frustrating. When someone is going through a tough time, a well-meaning friend might suggest something like, “Have you tried yoga?” While they have good intentions, such suggestions can sometimes come across as dismissive. That’s why I prefer to talk about movement instead. The word “exercise” often brings to mind feelings of obligation and performance, whereas movement can feel more like a gentle act of self-care and nurturing. Exercise is often offered as a silver bullet or panacea to those desperate for relief, particularly for those already marginalized. I gently ride a recumbent bike six days a week for an hour. That works for me, and I realize there's no single solution for everyone.
Thank you for this. I've definetly had some sensitivity around the word 'exercise', so I love the idea of talking about movement instead. It feels more approachable somehow, and less wrapped up in all our other ideas about what "exercise" should look like.
It sounds like you've find a movement practice that's a good fit for you, too. I've never really ridden a stationary bike so I might be completely off, but it seems kind of peaceful to me. I'm glad that it works for you and who knows, maybe you'll inspire someone else reading this thread to try it too. Thanks again for your comment - I appreciate your presence here.
I was a picked on, picked last, bullied chubby kid who hated physical education and as an adult loathed the gym. But chronic pain necessitated some strength training in my late 20s and ultimately changed my life for the better in so many ways! So it was devastating that following a big T trauma in 2014 my relationship with moving my body would become so warped that it would become an unhealthy obsession that would lead to a life altering back injury! Figuring out how to get back to strength training in a trauma-informed way before folks were using the word "trauma" in everyday parlance, and then sharing my approach with others, was a huge part of my PTSD recovery story. Thank you Clare for including me in your community forum!
Thank you, Laura. I'm so excited to share our conversation with the community next week.
I was also grappling with trauma before that word was really part of everyday conversations, and trying to find my way through those symptoms without any information or resources was incredibly difficult. Trying to make recovery a little easier on the next person has been a big part of my motivation in growing this community. Thank you so much for being a part of it 💕
It's the panting that made it so hard for me to exercise. The decision to do it every day (and I do try to run most days - it'll be 2 years this June) is always about can I manage the panting and the feeling in my body akin to fight or flight which is my body getting amped up to do the work of exercise (and not my body returning to traumas). Most days, these days, I can, but that took years of struggle and a cardiologist's threats and the clear determination that I want to be alive for my family for as long as possible. It has helped me develop a new relationship to my body - I feel accomplished every day I manage to run. I have so much respect for what I've been through and what I can do. It helps more than hurts now - like a triumph over the trauma.
The panting was so tough for me too. And the sweating. It's a really complicated mix of things that it took me a long time to figure out, and there were so many set backs along the way. These days, I am also a runner. I do still sometimes get triggered (usually when I overdo it) but like you, it helps more than it hurts. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am to be able to move my body in this way. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type this.
Congratulations on finding your way back toward a movement practice that feels right for you, Emma. I am proud of us both 💕
And I want to let every survivor out there know this too! We must learn to trust ourselves again, and sometimes that means stretching just to see what we can do. I started out running 8 minutes/day. That was all I could manage.
This is great advice Emma. We have to start somewhere. Even if it feels like a tiny step, it's still a step. It still matters. My path back to exercise was very slow and imperfect, but it was the only way. The recovery I built is more solid because I allowed it to take the time it needed to take.
Thank you so much for sharing a little of your experience, Emma. I'm so glad you're here 💕
I was just talking about this with my therapist! I read Khoudari’s book as a hopeful path back into weightlifting, but this second move away from exercise due to trauma has been so different. My first go, yoga was triggering but also the key. I needed to be in my body. Now, I’m learning about adrenal fatigue in relation to trauma and how it’s become a barrier. Very excited for this podcast.
Oh I think you're going to like the podcast, Shawna. It'll be in your inbox on Tuesday!
We talked about yoga which was so hard for me, but also key. I had to learn to be in my body again, as painful as that was. Laura has great practical tips and a great directory of professionals (most operating online/remotely) on her website, if that might be of use to you too.
Thanks for being here, Shawna. Anytime someone says they were talking about one of the themes we're covering in therapy, it makes me feel like I'm on the right track. I really appreciate it 💕
You like only the second person I've seen talking about this! Recently was learning about chronic stress/trauma and the circumstances when exercise is not appropriate from a biological perspective (chronic stress/trauma is lot of stimulus and exercise is more stimulus so mind and body 😩 whereas for short term stress it's helpful). Fascinating from a 🤓 perspective and frustrating due to all the reasons you've mentioned. Thank you for talking about it so inclusively.
Thank you Jen. I remember googling frantically trying to find *anything* on the internet that could explain why going to the gym was causing me so much distress. There was nothing out there. Everything was about the importance of "30 minutes of moderate exercise three times a week" which, yes, that's a good idea for a lot of folks but not everyone. And if you're going to offer only one option for being "healthy" to a wide variety of folks, you're going to leave a lot of us out.
Anyway, I'm on a mission to get this information to the people who need it and that painful, personal experience is a big part of my motivation.
Thanks for your comment and your presence here - I really appreciate it 💕
I'm very interested in this conversation. Trauma has most definitely played a part in my relationship to exercise. I over-ate to stuff down pain and as a result, felt too ashamed of my body to join classes - I still find it hard, but have managed to get over my shame and join the gym on the GP referral scheme. I've got loads to write and say about this! Very happy to guest on a podcast if you're looking for guests.
I was very traumatised as a child in school PE too - I wrote about it in this post, 'Somebody Save Me!
Oof, I could write books about childhood PE. I'm not sure I've ever met someone who didn't have a story about how PE had negatively impacted them. A few years ago, I went to a sports day for queer women. It was a lot of fun and half way through I realised that it was excising some of that childhood forced group exercise trauma. It was a lot of fun, mostly because I could just move my body however I wanted and that was enough. Taking part was enough.
Thanks so much for being here Sue and for your kind comment. I'm excited to read the post you linked too 💕
Thank you Clare. I hope you 'enjoy' the post, if that is the right word? I had so many women reach out after I wrote it to tell of their traumatizing PE experiences.
I keep re-trying all the things I used to like. Walking, swimming, hiking, yoga (I haven’t been able to play hockey for a zillion years and anyway, my orthopedic surgeon said not to). I can do them for a minute, but I can’t sustain. My stamina SUCKS and sometimes it knocks me back for days…which is embarrassing. I also keep discovering how I lost strength during my…illness. I know I couldn’t step up out of a small trench, I had to crawl, but it’s been just over a year. Of course, I’ve been ill for YEARS and just got dangerously so. I keep expecting myself to “be normal “ as the pressure around me to do just that intensifies. I feel quite lost.
It’s difficult for me to reclaim myself and also to recover and be ok with this body. I feel pressure from everywhere to “exercise” and “lose weight” and “get healthy” and “be attractive/sexy” and on and on. Most days I’m in a minor state of exhaustion and I just want all of that to get fucked and leave me be to exist. I don’t even like “movement” anymore because it gets attached to “health” or “wellness” and all the alarms go bazonkers. I wonder if this will ever go away.
Oh and my gardening! I feel like I binge-garden. I go out sometimes and do a giant day of stuff, then I’m exhausted and I barely go outside for days. Then I want to move the pavers like today for example, but I sat in the chair and nearly fell asleep in the sun (this is a regular hazard, I’ve gotten some icky sunburn doing this). I *need* to cut the rosemary back and right now, but it’s exhausting. It will be like the roses. I went nuts one day and cut the roses back, and then suffered for WEEKS. I garden in a lot of containers because GOPHERS but also it’s easier for me. Digging and hoeing and raking and barrowing is a giant hell no. Not that I mentally object to any of that, but my body objects violently.
Thanks for sharing a little of your experience Shelly. I relate to so much of what you're saying, especially the frustration of just wanting to be able to do some small thing that doesn't even really count as "exercise" but really needs to be done. I hope this thread has helped you feel a little less alone as you navigate the enormous tangle of movement/triggers/body limitations and just trying to feel OK in the world. For me, it has been helpful to see that many other people relate to this struggle. Thanks for being here💕
This is such an important topic. For me, when the flood of flashbacks started, I was actually working as a Yoga Teacher, enjoyed sea swimming year round and walked/hiked regularly. And quite suddenly, I couldn't do any of it. Yoga poses, walking fast, encountering people, unpredictable dogs, wearing swimwear etc triggered me to the point of collapse. It was devastating, as these were the things I had always turned to to help me with wellbeing and now they were making everything worse. (I had actually had a similar-but-different experience earlier in life when I developed severe CFS/ME and felt that my body had completely turned against me). With a lot of support from my husband with walking/swimming and making some major adjustments to my Yoga practice, I am now much better than I was. But I still have to be very careful, especially when I'm already stressed/triggered. Precisely as you and others have highlighted, coming back to my body and learning to tolerate sensation - of any kind - is so important, especially with dissociation, but yeah, it's like learning to walk all over again. Several times over. I too prefer 'movement' to 'exercise', not just for people with big T trauma either. Especially as there is now evidence that movement of any kind is beneficial. Thanks Clare.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Amy. I see so much of my experience in what you've written. In the depths of my trauma, it was gutting to realise that the things I did to bolster myself (walks in nature, gentle stretching on my yoga mat) were the exact things that were triggering me. It was devastating to be unable to do the things that had always helped me feel more like myself. It's one of those things that I don't think people understand about trauma, and I wish there was more awareness and information about in our society. It's why I started Life after Trauma, and why I'm working hard to bring this work to a big audience.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing a little of your experience. I am glad to hear that you've found your way back toward a movement practice that feels good to you, even if you (like me) still have to be careful of triggers. I'm so glad you're here 💕
Only since late 2023 could I get back into exercise. And it was because a dear friend suddenly passed and I honestly knew I required endorphins to stave off depression and despair. It started with quick 20 minute low impact cardio videos on YouTube. Now I got to the gym and do boot camps and weight lifting bc the intensity helps move the trapped energy in my body.
I was a ballet dancer from age 4-20 and my mother had me dieting starting at age 12/13. So my relationship with food and exercise is complicated. I have also had some injuries from dance and 3 pretty traumatic and complicated pregnancies and births. So it's a long road but I'm glad to be moving my body again and gaining some strength and healing.
oof, it sounds like your body has been through a lot Karen. And I am so sorry about the loss of your dear friend. 💔
I am so glad that you've found your way toward a movement practice that feels good to you. I would like to get more into weights/strength training. I'd like to feel what it's like to be more physically strong - maybe I should set that as a someday goal?!
Like you, I have a really complicated relationship with food and exercise. I still have good days and bad days, but I am also so grateful to be able to move without also worrying about triggering myself.
Thanks for being here, Karen. I really appreciate you sharing a little of your experience with the community 💕
Oof, that resonates Anyakara. Thanks for sharing. I've had so many of these thoughts and feelings too as I tried to work through my trauma. Thanks for sharing the yoga resource too - it's great to see so much trauma-informed work happening. There was no such thing as "trauma-informed" when I was in the thick of this, but I'm so glad that it's available for people now. 💕
I had an incredibly difficult time rebuilding my relationship with exercise. I’ve practiced yoga since my late teens. In my twenties, I was one of those annoying people who actually enjoyed going to the gym, but I lost both of those habits in the tailspin of trauma. Exercise left me feeling incredibly anxious and dysregulated. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have to stop exercising because I was sobbing uncontrollably. Or to be so wired and strung out on adrenaline that I couldn’t sleep for days.
I wish I could point to some easy solution that turned it all around for me, but that’s not how it was. I had to very slowly rebuild my relationship with movement and my body. It took years and to be honest, it’s still a work in progress. One of the hardest things was feeling like I was completely over-reacting. All public health messaging talks about the value and importance of exercise. But I couldn’t find a single resource that acknowledged that exercise isn’t an option for everyone. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to have this conversation: to bring some much needed information to an under-discussed aspect of recovery.
Thank you so much Anyakara. I'm excited to share it 💕
I understand that discussions around exercise and mental health can sometimes feel frustrating. When someone is going through a tough time, a well-meaning friend might suggest something like, “Have you tried yoga?” While they have good intentions, such suggestions can sometimes come across as dismissive. That’s why I prefer to talk about movement instead. The word “exercise” often brings to mind feelings of obligation and performance, whereas movement can feel more like a gentle act of self-care and nurturing. Exercise is often offered as a silver bullet or panacea to those desperate for relief, particularly for those already marginalized. I gently ride a recumbent bike six days a week for an hour. That works for me, and I realize there's no single solution for everyone.
Thank you for this. I've definetly had some sensitivity around the word 'exercise', so I love the idea of talking about movement instead. It feels more approachable somehow, and less wrapped up in all our other ideas about what "exercise" should look like.
It sounds like you've find a movement practice that's a good fit for you, too. I've never really ridden a stationary bike so I might be completely off, but it seems kind of peaceful to me. I'm glad that it works for you and who knows, maybe you'll inspire someone else reading this thread to try it too. Thanks again for your comment - I appreciate your presence here.
I was a picked on, picked last, bullied chubby kid who hated physical education and as an adult loathed the gym. But chronic pain necessitated some strength training in my late 20s and ultimately changed my life for the better in so many ways! So it was devastating that following a big T trauma in 2014 my relationship with moving my body would become so warped that it would become an unhealthy obsession that would lead to a life altering back injury! Figuring out how to get back to strength training in a trauma-informed way before folks were using the word "trauma" in everyday parlance, and then sharing my approach with others, was a huge part of my PTSD recovery story. Thank you Clare for including me in your community forum!
Thank you, Laura. I'm so excited to share our conversation with the community next week.
I was also grappling with trauma before that word was really part of everyday conversations, and trying to find my way through those symptoms without any information or resources was incredibly difficult. Trying to make recovery a little easier on the next person has been a big part of my motivation in growing this community. Thank you so much for being a part of it 💕
It's the panting that made it so hard for me to exercise. The decision to do it every day (and I do try to run most days - it'll be 2 years this June) is always about can I manage the panting and the feeling in my body akin to fight or flight which is my body getting amped up to do the work of exercise (and not my body returning to traumas). Most days, these days, I can, but that took years of struggle and a cardiologist's threats and the clear determination that I want to be alive for my family for as long as possible. It has helped me develop a new relationship to my body - I feel accomplished every day I manage to run. I have so much respect for what I've been through and what I can do. It helps more than hurts now - like a triumph over the trauma.
The panting was so tough for me too. And the sweating. It's a really complicated mix of things that it took me a long time to figure out, and there were so many set backs along the way. These days, I am also a runner. I do still sometimes get triggered (usually when I overdo it) but like you, it helps more than it hurts. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am to be able to move my body in this way. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type this.
Congratulations on finding your way back toward a movement practice that feels right for you, Emma. I am proud of us both 💕
I'm so glad you've found it too! It gives me such a new appreciation for my body! I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be!
And I want to let every survivor out there know this too! We must learn to trust ourselves again, and sometimes that means stretching just to see what we can do. I started out running 8 minutes/day. That was all I could manage.
This is great advice Emma. We have to start somewhere. Even if it feels like a tiny step, it's still a step. It still matters. My path back to exercise was very slow and imperfect, but it was the only way. The recovery I built is more solid because I allowed it to take the time it needed to take.
Thank you so much for sharing a little of your experience, Emma. I'm so glad you're here 💕
Yes, it does take time. It took me almost a year to get from 8 minutes to 30 minutes.
And I am so glad you are bringing all of us together this way, Clare. It's empowering and helps us all see that we are not alone.
Thanks Emma. That's always my deepest wish for this space ❤️
I was just talking about this with my therapist! I read Khoudari’s book as a hopeful path back into weightlifting, but this second move away from exercise due to trauma has been so different. My first go, yoga was triggering but also the key. I needed to be in my body. Now, I’m learning about adrenal fatigue in relation to trauma and how it’s become a barrier. Very excited for this podcast.
Oh I think you're going to like the podcast, Shawna. It'll be in your inbox on Tuesday!
We talked about yoga which was so hard for me, but also key. I had to learn to be in my body again, as painful as that was. Laura has great practical tips and a great directory of professionals (most operating online/remotely) on her website, if that might be of use to you too.
Thanks for being here, Shawna. Anytime someone says they were talking about one of the themes we're covering in therapy, it makes me feel like I'm on the right track. I really appreciate it 💕
You like only the second person I've seen talking about this! Recently was learning about chronic stress/trauma and the circumstances when exercise is not appropriate from a biological perspective (chronic stress/trauma is lot of stimulus and exercise is more stimulus so mind and body 😩 whereas for short term stress it's helpful). Fascinating from a 🤓 perspective and frustrating due to all the reasons you've mentioned. Thank you for talking about it so inclusively.
Thank you Jen. I remember googling frantically trying to find *anything* on the internet that could explain why going to the gym was causing me so much distress. There was nothing out there. Everything was about the importance of "30 minutes of moderate exercise three times a week" which, yes, that's a good idea for a lot of folks but not everyone. And if you're going to offer only one option for being "healthy" to a wide variety of folks, you're going to leave a lot of us out.
Anyway, I'm on a mission to get this information to the people who need it and that painful, personal experience is a big part of my motivation.
Thanks for your comment and your presence here - I really appreciate it 💕
I'm very interested in this conversation. Trauma has most definitely played a part in my relationship to exercise. I over-ate to stuff down pain and as a result, felt too ashamed of my body to join classes - I still find it hard, but have managed to get over my shame and join the gym on the GP referral scheme. I've got loads to write and say about this! Very happy to guest on a podcast if you're looking for guests.
I was very traumatised as a child in school PE too - I wrote about it in this post, 'Somebody Save Me!
https://suereed.substack.com/p/somebody-save-me
Oof, I could write books about childhood PE. I'm not sure I've ever met someone who didn't have a story about how PE had negatively impacted them. A few years ago, I went to a sports day for queer women. It was a lot of fun and half way through I realised that it was excising some of that childhood forced group exercise trauma. It was a lot of fun, mostly because I could just move my body however I wanted and that was enough. Taking part was enough.
Thanks so much for being here Sue and for your kind comment. I'm excited to read the post you linked too 💕
Thank you Clare. I hope you 'enjoy' the post, if that is the right word? I had so many women reach out after I wrote it to tell of their traumatizing PE experiences.
Sadly, it's very common. Thanks so much for sharing your experience here Sue 💕
I keep re-trying all the things I used to like. Walking, swimming, hiking, yoga (I haven’t been able to play hockey for a zillion years and anyway, my orthopedic surgeon said not to). I can do them for a minute, but I can’t sustain. My stamina SUCKS and sometimes it knocks me back for days…which is embarrassing. I also keep discovering how I lost strength during my…illness. I know I couldn’t step up out of a small trench, I had to crawl, but it’s been just over a year. Of course, I’ve been ill for YEARS and just got dangerously so. I keep expecting myself to “be normal “ as the pressure around me to do just that intensifies. I feel quite lost.
It’s difficult for me to reclaim myself and also to recover and be ok with this body. I feel pressure from everywhere to “exercise” and “lose weight” and “get healthy” and “be attractive/sexy” and on and on. Most days I’m in a minor state of exhaustion and I just want all of that to get fucked and leave me be to exist. I don’t even like “movement” anymore because it gets attached to “health” or “wellness” and all the alarms go bazonkers. I wonder if this will ever go away.
Oh and my gardening! I feel like I binge-garden. I go out sometimes and do a giant day of stuff, then I’m exhausted and I barely go outside for days. Then I want to move the pavers like today for example, but I sat in the chair and nearly fell asleep in the sun (this is a regular hazard, I’ve gotten some icky sunburn doing this). I *need* to cut the rosemary back and right now, but it’s exhausting. It will be like the roses. I went nuts one day and cut the roses back, and then suffered for WEEKS. I garden in a lot of containers because GOPHERS but also it’s easier for me. Digging and hoeing and raking and barrowing is a giant hell no. Not that I mentally object to any of that, but my body objects violently.
Thanks for sharing a little of your experience Shelly. I relate to so much of what you're saying, especially the frustration of just wanting to be able to do some small thing that doesn't even really count as "exercise" but really needs to be done. I hope this thread has helped you feel a little less alone as you navigate the enormous tangle of movement/triggers/body limitations and just trying to feel OK in the world. For me, it has been helpful to see that many other people relate to this struggle. Thanks for being here💕
This is such an important topic. For me, when the flood of flashbacks started, I was actually working as a Yoga Teacher, enjoyed sea swimming year round and walked/hiked regularly. And quite suddenly, I couldn't do any of it. Yoga poses, walking fast, encountering people, unpredictable dogs, wearing swimwear etc triggered me to the point of collapse. It was devastating, as these were the things I had always turned to to help me with wellbeing and now they were making everything worse. (I had actually had a similar-but-different experience earlier in life when I developed severe CFS/ME and felt that my body had completely turned against me). With a lot of support from my husband with walking/swimming and making some major adjustments to my Yoga practice, I am now much better than I was. But I still have to be very careful, especially when I'm already stressed/triggered. Precisely as you and others have highlighted, coming back to my body and learning to tolerate sensation - of any kind - is so important, especially with dissociation, but yeah, it's like learning to walk all over again. Several times over. I too prefer 'movement' to 'exercise', not just for people with big T trauma either. Especially as there is now evidence that movement of any kind is beneficial. Thanks Clare.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Amy. I see so much of my experience in what you've written. In the depths of my trauma, it was gutting to realise that the things I did to bolster myself (walks in nature, gentle stretching on my yoga mat) were the exact things that were triggering me. It was devastating to be unable to do the things that had always helped me feel more like myself. It's one of those things that I don't think people understand about trauma, and I wish there was more awareness and information about in our society. It's why I started Life after Trauma, and why I'm working hard to bring this work to a big audience.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing a little of your experience. I am glad to hear that you've found your way back toward a movement practice that feels good to you, even if you (like me) still have to be careful of triggers. I'm so glad you're here 💕
Only since late 2023 could I get back into exercise. And it was because a dear friend suddenly passed and I honestly knew I required endorphins to stave off depression and despair. It started with quick 20 minute low impact cardio videos on YouTube. Now I got to the gym and do boot camps and weight lifting bc the intensity helps move the trapped energy in my body.
I was a ballet dancer from age 4-20 and my mother had me dieting starting at age 12/13. So my relationship with food and exercise is complicated. I have also had some injuries from dance and 3 pretty traumatic and complicated pregnancies and births. So it's a long road but I'm glad to be moving my body again and gaining some strength and healing.
oof, it sounds like your body has been through a lot Karen. And I am so sorry about the loss of your dear friend. 💔
I am so glad that you've found your way toward a movement practice that feels good to you. I would like to get more into weights/strength training. I'd like to feel what it's like to be more physically strong - maybe I should set that as a someday goal?!
Like you, I have a really complicated relationship with food and exercise. I still have good days and bad days, but I am also so grateful to be able to move without also worrying about triggering myself.
Thanks for being here, Karen. I really appreciate you sharing a little of your experience with the community 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this valuble resource 💕
Oof, that resonates Anyakara. Thanks for sharing. I've had so many of these thoughts and feelings too as I tried to work through my trauma. Thanks for sharing the yoga resource too - it's great to see so much trauma-informed work happening. There was no such thing as "trauma-informed" when I was in the thick of this, but I'm so glad that it's available for people now. 💕
This is beautifully put, Anyakara. And I agree, it's a profound honour. ❤️