Congrats, Clare. What a heartrending story you share. I couldn't get over Ann, the 15-year-old who bled to death next to her stillborn baby--or the emboldened print that your mother was not smiling in her wedding photos.
My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. Marriage is hard. Every day is hard. The longer you are with one person, the more you have to reconfigure who you are as a couple, because you both change and grow throughout the years. I am not who I was when Ben and I married. He isn't, either. We never knew we'd have five children, never knew that one of them would be born with a rare craniofacial condition, that our families of origin would largely dismiss us and offer very little support.
I don't pretend that marriage is suitable for everyone or every romantic partnership. What I return to is this: I always saw myself as married, even when I was a little girl. And I am a fiercely loyal partner. Fidelity and commitment are vital to me. They mean everything, because of my trauma wounds of (emotional) abandonment. Sometimes I have to question when a relationship no longer serves me, or when I no longer serve that other person. In marriage, it's a starting over for me every day. It's getting up and trying to construct a new image of us, to readjust my expectations, to forgive gratuitously. Ben is getting there, too.
I guess I am saying all of this, because a lifelong relationship holds so much loss and gain inside of it that you can never predict or foresee or fully grasp. There is something good about permanence, though, I believe.
Thanks for sharing a slice of your experience of married life, Jeannie. It's interesting to read how other people embrace and thrive within the commitment of marriage. I've no idea what's ahead for F & I, but I'm excited to do it together.
Congratulations Clare, Iām very happy for you! I mean, homemade lasagna for life? Iām a little jealous, but mostly very happy. Wishing you a lifetime of love.
"I found my person." I read this and felt my heart melt.
What struck me as I read, other than the horror of Ann's experience, and feeling relieved Budino is still with you (and seeing the photos!), was how much of a felt-sense it seems like, a real somatic shift from 'I'm okay and happiest on my own' to 'I want to build a life with her, I don't want to be on my own. I'm ready for something else. For partnership.' It touches me deeply. It's something I'm hoping to reach in my own journey too, and sometimes I wonder if it'll ever be possible for me. I have so many issues with closeness and intimacy in close relationships. This said, I'm definitely seeing progress around this in my life, although it's really difficult at times.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with an acquaintance a few weeks ago. She'd heard I'd gotten engaged, and was happy for me but also a bit surprised. Not in a mean way, but when we first met she described me as "incredibly single" and then, within the space of a few years, I was getting ready to become somebody's wife. I guess the conversation reminded me of how little time passed between being happily single (as I was for 12+ years), and meeting a person that made me want to embark on a partnered life.
We never know when (or if) our lives might change and if a partnership is something you'd like for yourself, you never know how far (or how close) it is from coming into your life.
Thank you for being here and for your kind congratulations, Sandi. I appreciate them very much š
Thatās such a lovely comment to read, Clare, thank you. I feel this sense of possibility and hope reading you. And I know what you mean, we never know what, or who is waiting in the wings. x
I am SO DELIGHTED by this news!! Laughed out loud at the internal lasagne reveal, and by that point was already in floods of tears.
I'm in a season right now of being single and genuinely, deeply loving it and wanting nothing else. AND, having had two absolutely disastrous relationships (as well as my own trauma-inspired "unquenchable well of worthlessness", THANK YOU for that phrasing!), I definitely have a story that relationships are pain. Every time I hear a story like yours ā not perfection, not agreeing on everything, but being on the same team and really enjoying each other ā I am inspired. This post is a gift. Thank you.
And congratulations!!!! Genuinely absolutely made up for you!!!!
I spent a long time in the single zone too - not just unpartnered, but passionately single and it was one of the most fulfilling chapters of my life. I'm excited for this new adventure, but I'll always be glad that I spent a decent portion of my adult life partnered only with myself. Sending lots of love to you. Thank you for being here š
Also, I just read the story of Ann Lovett and oh my goodness so much pain in this story... I was born in January 1984. I also have a dear friend who was born "out of wedlock" in Ireland and adopted and is forever untangling the legacy of his family. I appreciate how you articulate the contrasting dynamics of heartbreak and joy shaping this messy but beautiful life ā¤ļø
Thank you Leslie. I really appreciate your good wishes!
Ann Lovett's story haunts me to this day. To think of her as a young girl, so cold and alone on the ground with her stillborn baby beside her.. it'd crack even the hardest heart. The legacy of that dark, misogynistic chapter of Irish life lives on inside us, particularly people who were directly impacted in their families of origin. I hope your friend is finding his way through the messiness of it all. š
This is beautiful Clare. I got married this year for the first time (at age 50) after tussling with much ambivalence about the institution based on what I witnessed my mother and grandmothers experience. But I think we get to redefine this tradition for ourselves, taking what works, discarding what's toxic, and writing our own rule book. And there is still an old romantic part of me that believes that two people committing to showing up and doing the work together is a truly special thing ā¤ļø
I remember reading your beautiful essay about marriaage earlier this year. I was re-evaluating my own relationship to marriage at the time, and it was so helpful to read your perspective. My partner and I will certainly be redefining the instutition so it works for us. For a start, we're both women. But beyond that, we hope to flourish within the container a formal commitment creates. I don't know how that will unfold yet, but I'm excited to find out. Thank you for being here š
Congrats, Clare. What a heartrending story you share. I couldn't get over Ann, the 15-year-old who bled to death next to her stillborn baby--or the emboldened print that your mother was not smiling in her wedding photos.
My husband and I have been married for over 17 years. Marriage is hard. Every day is hard. The longer you are with one person, the more you have to reconfigure who you are as a couple, because you both change and grow throughout the years. I am not who I was when Ben and I married. He isn't, either. We never knew we'd have five children, never knew that one of them would be born with a rare craniofacial condition, that our families of origin would largely dismiss us and offer very little support.
I don't pretend that marriage is suitable for everyone or every romantic partnership. What I return to is this: I always saw myself as married, even when I was a little girl. And I am a fiercely loyal partner. Fidelity and commitment are vital to me. They mean everything, because of my trauma wounds of (emotional) abandonment. Sometimes I have to question when a relationship no longer serves me, or when I no longer serve that other person. In marriage, it's a starting over for me every day. It's getting up and trying to construct a new image of us, to readjust my expectations, to forgive gratuitously. Ben is getting there, too.
I guess I am saying all of this, because a lifelong relationship holds so much loss and gain inside of it that you can never predict or foresee or fully grasp. There is something good about permanence, though, I believe.
Thanks for sharing a slice of your experience of married life, Jeannie. It's interesting to read how other people embrace and thrive within the commitment of marriage. I've no idea what's ahead for F & I, but I'm excited to do it together.
Thank you for being here š
Congratulations Clare, Iām very happy for you! I mean, homemade lasagna for life? Iām a little jealous, but mostly very happy. Wishing you a lifetime of love.
Thank you Albe š
If you're ever passing through Dublin, I'd love to share a slice of lasagna with you!
Congrats to you both, Clare! <3
"I found my person." I read this and felt my heart melt.
What struck me as I read, other than the horror of Ann's experience, and feeling relieved Budino is still with you (and seeing the photos!), was how much of a felt-sense it seems like, a real somatic shift from 'I'm okay and happiest on my own' to 'I want to build a life with her, I don't want to be on my own. I'm ready for something else. For partnership.' It touches me deeply. It's something I'm hoping to reach in my own journey too, and sometimes I wonder if it'll ever be possible for me. I have so many issues with closeness and intimacy in close relationships. This said, I'm definitely seeing progress around this in my life, although it's really difficult at times.
Thank you for your kind words, Sandi š
This reminds me of a conversation I had with an acquaintance a few weeks ago. She'd heard I'd gotten engaged, and was happy for me but also a bit surprised. Not in a mean way, but when we first met she described me as "incredibly single" and then, within the space of a few years, I was getting ready to become somebody's wife. I guess the conversation reminded me of how little time passed between being happily single (as I was for 12+ years), and meeting a person that made me want to embark on a partnered life.
We never know when (or if) our lives might change and if a partnership is something you'd like for yourself, you never know how far (or how close) it is from coming into your life.
Thank you for being here and for your kind congratulations, Sandi. I appreciate them very much š
Thatās such a lovely comment to read, Clare, thank you. I feel this sense of possibility and hope reading you. And I know what you mean, we never know what, or who is waiting in the wings. x
We never, ever know Sandi x
Congratulations, both of you!
Thank you so much š
Congrats and Bright Blessings on you both! š
Thank you Savannah š
Oh what wonderful news! A huge blessed congrats to you both ā„ļø
Thank you Linn. We are both delighted š
Congrats and heart-sourced blessings, Clare!
Thank you Dana š
So thrilled for you Clare, congrats to you both!
Thank you Aisling. We're thrilled too š
I am SO DELIGHTED by this news!! Laughed out loud at the internal lasagne reveal, and by that point was already in floods of tears.
I'm in a season right now of being single and genuinely, deeply loving it and wanting nothing else. AND, having had two absolutely disastrous relationships (as well as my own trauma-inspired "unquenchable well of worthlessness", THANK YOU for that phrasing!), I definitely have a story that relationships are pain. Every time I hear a story like yours ā not perfection, not agreeing on everything, but being on the same team and really enjoying each other ā I am inspired. This post is a gift. Thank you.
And congratulations!!!! Genuinely absolutely made up for you!!!!
xx
Thank you my friend š
I spent a long time in the single zone too - not just unpartnered, but passionately single and it was one of the most fulfilling chapters of my life. I'm excited for this new adventure, but I'll always be glad that I spent a decent portion of my adult life partnered only with myself. Sending lots of love to you. Thank you for being here š
Congratulations! Wishing you a joyous life together!
Thank you Dee š
Congratulazioni and what a beautiful love story ā¤ļø
Thank you Brenna š
Congratulations Clare!!! I'm so delighted for you both! š
Also, I just read the story of Ann Lovett and oh my goodness so much pain in this story... I was born in January 1984. I also have a dear friend who was born "out of wedlock" in Ireland and adopted and is forever untangling the legacy of his family. I appreciate how you articulate the contrasting dynamics of heartbreak and joy shaping this messy but beautiful life ā¤ļø
Thank you Leslie. I really appreciate your good wishes!
Ann Lovett's story haunts me to this day. To think of her as a young girl, so cold and alone on the ground with her stillborn baby beside her.. it'd crack even the hardest heart. The legacy of that dark, misogynistic chapter of Irish life lives on inside us, particularly people who were directly impacted in their families of origin. I hope your friend is finding his way through the messiness of it all. š
Hooray--a million congrats! What happy news. Wishing you a lifetime of joy and many adventures to come.
Thank you my friend š
This is beautiful Clare. I got married this year for the first time (at age 50) after tussling with much ambivalence about the institution based on what I witnessed my mother and grandmothers experience. But I think we get to redefine this tradition for ourselves, taking what works, discarding what's toxic, and writing our own rule book. And there is still an old romantic part of me that believes that two people committing to showing up and doing the work together is a truly special thing ā¤ļø
Thank you Vicki ā¤ļø
I remember reading your beautiful essay about marriaage earlier this year. I was re-evaluating my own relationship to marriage at the time, and it was so helpful to read your perspective. My partner and I will certainly be redefining the instutition so it works for us. For a start, we're both women. But beyond that, we hope to flourish within the container a formal commitment creates. I don't know how that will unfold yet, but I'm excited to find out. Thank you for being here š
I'm so happy for you! (Also I'm craving pasta for some reason, lol.)
Thank you Joy! I hope there is pasta in your near-future too :)
Congratulations to you and F! š
Thank you so much š