𤯠Things I can't stop thinking about
(snippets from the 'how to live' file on my computer)
Eight years ago, I quit my former career as a non-profit Communications Manager and decided to make my recovery my number one priority. By that point, Iâd spent years trying to come to terms with the sexual abuse I experienced as a child and the sudden death of my mother in a car accident when I was 19. Iâd recently been diagnosed with Complex-PTSD and was really struggling to manage my life.Â
Iâve recovered a lot since then. I made some big changes in my life: Quitting my job. Coming out. Moving house. But the small things I did (like getting a slow cooker and learning to rest) were some of the most impactful. Many of those ideas came from a computer document labeled âHow to liveâ. I drop all the little snippets of life advice I stumble upon in there. Itâs a rich document that begins with the importance of making the invisible visible and Helen Mirrenâs advice that young women should say âfuck offâ more and concludes with this nugget of relationship advice from Cup of Jo: âDo whatever will cause the least amount of resentment between the two of you.â
Iâm always adding to it, always searching for tidbits of wisdom that might make my life better. Whether itâs a reframe of something I always thought I understood or a one-liner about what really matters in life, I like to think the âhow to liveâ document lives up to its name.Â
I thought itâd be fun to share a handful of the things that have been knocking around my head for the last few months years. I hope youâll find something meaningful here.Â
Laziness doesnât exist, KC Davis in conversation with
âThere is almost always a legitimate barrier like pain, fatigue, executive dysfunction, overwhelm, burn out, lack of support, differing values, mental health issues, etc. Sometimes the issue is that someone is exploiting the labor of anotherâas in the case of unequal household labor. But even in that case the issue isnât laziness but entitlement.â
âLaughter might be more helpful than a self-help book a lot of the time.â -
Think of your house like a machine, in conversation with
âThe truth is, the purpose of your home is NOT to showcase yourself to the world. The purpose is to shape how you want to feel. How your house should look and function is whatever works best for you.â
Drop the hot potato, via Cup of Jo.
âIf someone in an unregulated emotional state tosses some painful words in your direction, donât toss them back. In my mind, the potato advice is not suggesting we be doormats, but that we take the time to reflect on what that hot potato tosser may be going through and find a way to listen and respond, rather than just reacting.â
âSuffering breaks our hearts, but the heart can break in two different waysâ, Parker Palmer quoted by
âThereâs the brittle heart that breaks into shards, shattering the one who suffers as it explodes, and sometimes taking others down when it's thrown like a grenade at the ostensible source of its pain. Then there's the supple heart, the one that breaks open, not apart, the one that can grow into greater capacity for the many forms of love. Only the supple heart can hold suffering in a way that opens to new life.â
âAiming to be useful rather than impressive will always make a better impressionâ -
Solvitur ambulando, mentionned by
âIâd like to remind you of the Latin phrase âsolvitur ambulandoâ, which translates to âIt is solved by walkingâ and which I subscribe to as almost a religion, even when itâs freezing outside. (Especially when itâs freezing outside.) Itâs just the truth: Rarely do you return from a walk feeling worse about things.â
Investment without attachment,
âThis is the guiding principle of my artistic life. I call it âinvestment without attachment,â which means, we do the work consistently and well, tirelessly, doggedly. And we focus on thatâthe work, and the quality of the work, because thatâs what we can controlânot the outcome of the work.â
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Keeping a "how to live" doc is such a smart idea. Thanks for the mention, too. Wish I could take credit for the actual Latin phrase, but I believe that honor belongs to Saint Augustine :)
May I add thereâs no such thing as willpower? Having spent a childhood and adult life being told that Iâm fat because I lack will power has given me an absolute hatred for the word. Just as with laziness, there is usually an underlying reason why someone keeps repeating a pattern of behaviour or sometimes it just means someone isnât conforming to societyâs expectations.