Ask Clare: Long-term asexuality after trauma

On finding companionship and rebuilding a sense of safety in the body

Thank you for reading Beyond Survival, a publication about life after trauma. I founded this community in 2023 because I wanted a space for survivor-centred conversations about recovering after sexual violence. I want to be able to write about the intimate details of recovery in a sacred space—away from the prying eyes of google search bots. For that reason, the Ask Clare column is for paid supporters only. If you’d like to support my work and this survivor community, please consider upgrading for €6 per month or €47 per year. The monthly price will be increasing to €8 tomorrow, so if you’ve been on the fence about joining, this is a great time to do it. This community is very precious to me. I’d love for you to join us!

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Hi Clare. 

My partner developed DID (dissociative identity disorder) as a result of CSA (child sexual abuse). I took her to every specialist and treatment centre but things just got worse. Obviously the family was living in trauma daily and finally in 2017 my psychologist recommended that I remove myself and my children from what had become an abusive relationship. 

I did. I moved us as far away as we could go. It was difficult becoming a single father to three young boys. The kids are thriving. They miss their mother, but don't want to be with her. Neither has she requested them. I never spoke badly of her to them, but I was honest that she was ill. 

Now my problem: I am 53, in good physical shape, but I feel no interest in having any relationships. I do not feel attracted to anyone at all. I am currently asexual. You could put me in the 'A' of 'LGBTQIA+'. 

Emotionally, I have nothing to offer anyone - the cupboard is bare, as they say. I can understand being a little reluctant for a couple of years, but it's been 7 years! I don't need advice on how to date, or anything like that. I wanted to get your opinion on long-term asexuality after trauma. 

Thank you kindly.
B

B, I’m sorry to hear that life has been difficult. 

The families of people who’ve experienced sexual violence often become bystanders to that trauma, and it can have a serious impact on all involved. I can imagine that your former partner is in a lot of pain, but that’s never an excuse for becoming abusive toward others. 

When I read your letter, B, I was struck by the matter-of-fact tone you used to describe the end of your abusive relationship, and the difficult process of moving your family somewhere new. You write that you have “nothing to offer anyone” which might feel true to you, but I think it’s worth remembering how much you’ve been able to offer your young family. You got yourself and your children out of an environment that had become abusive, while also navigating the complex process of unraveling your relationship with your former partner. These are huge, tectonic shifts in your life and I’m not sure that you’ve given yourself enough credit for the scale of what you’ve been through. 

That said, you are asking about romantic relationships and asexuality, which tells me that you might be ready, or at least curious, for something more. At the root of those instincts is the deep human urge to be seen, known and understood for who we are. Sex is great, don’t get me wrong! But it’s more than just the pleasure of the physical act - it’s the feeling of connection to another person. 

What follows is a reflection on the role sex played in my recovery, and some of the advice I share with other survivors who are trying to rebuild a “normal” sexual life.